It seems the only way I can
truly express my experience of inner child is to tell you my story.
It's worth a listen. It seemed like I had a nice
childhood as nothing horrible happened, and seemed to be fairly happy, but
honestly it seemed to lack love, joy, beauty and many other important things a
full, vital, and alive childhood should have. The perceived lack of attention,
acceptance, affection, affirmation, and appreciation affected me deeply.
Instead I often describe it as
being like a desert: empty, barren, lonely, and with a layer of snow, so cold
and quiet too. In a
word I didn't feel cherished. Deep inside my heart froze up hard as a rock and cold as ice because
I knew I wanted more, and deserved more. Being a car guy I also imagined this
heart dipped in steel and chrome polished. Perhaps interesting to look at but even
more cold, hard, and impenetrable.
I find it very interesting that your heart is about the size of your
fist, so it is easy to imagine the hearts of those that were neglected or abused
becoming a tightly clenched fist. Yet facing such attack and abuse, their
hearts could also become red hot in anger and
rage. Some don't go cold or hot, but simply "check out" and disappear
into their thoughts and fantasies.
It felt too uncomfortable for
me to take so I moved out of my body and into my head. "Think is our drink"
as a twelve step saying goes. Cut off from my body I was also cut off from the
love, joy, authenticity, and happiness of my inner child, and the infinite
love, wisdom, power, and presence of my Higher Power in my heart of hearts. Cut
off from my body I was also cut off from my lungs and voice which hold my
truth, so I couldn't speak my truth anymore.
I also often describe it as a dark cloud of
disease, dysfunction, and on some level insanity over me and my
family. In my later teens I knew there was something missing, so I started
searching. I checked out and tried a lot of things. For instance I took all the
psychology classes my local colleges had to offer trying to find answers. Nothing
was really working until I started working with a twelve step recovery community and
pursuing a spiritual mindset and experience.
I was talking with my
sisters about this and one of them said she couldn't understand
because she thought we all had a pretty good childhood. I soon remembered our
family has much divorce, bankruptcy, children born out of wedlock, lack of
higher education, as well as alcoholism, addictions, and abuses, so it was only natural for me to seek help and healing.
Unfortunately I carried this all
into my relationships at work and home. The suffering inflicted on my wives and
children gives me the greatest sorrow. This part of the story is very long and sad but it is not the end, it was only the beginning. Suffering is not
enough! There are many aspects of my recovery such as Higher Power, loving
inner parent, nature, music, and prayer and meditation, but the inner child has
perhaps been my greatest salvation.
Here is the other side, the recovery side of the story. I did have one
saving grace right from the start, and that was nature. My family lived on a
ridge between two canyons with streams, trees, birds, insects, and other
animals on both sides. We would go for walks there and I fell in love with
nature very early on. We also went on trips and vacations to the beach, desert,
and mountains through-out my youth.
Also in my teen years we had a small trailer at a lakeside resort in
the mountains we visited frequently spring to fall, so spending time out in
nature has always been a homecoming for me. For this reason Mother Nature is the first section of Cowboy
Dharma, and one many people relate to. For me nature is the home of the
infinite, and grander than any cathedral .
The next section concerns Higher Power and how I turned away from and
then back to a belief and experience of a higher law and greater good through a
loving Higher Power. This journey coincided with a return to love of nature as
for me they are one and the same. This is evident in an exploration of Sacred
Geometry and the Fibonocci Series often seen as the "Fingerprints of
God." Here is a link to HigherPower, and another to a further exploration "A God Centered Life."
Bicycles were perhaps my next saving grace as I have always found
great joy, freedom, and friendship riding bikes. This has never changed.
Motorcycles, cars, and the adventures they took me on to nature and other
events was a natural progression. Once I got a one hundred dollar bonus at work
and spent most of it on some fun toys, so apparently my inner child was still
alive deep inside.
Playing with my son was a blessing as well, but his mother and I
divorced when he was two, so this became a sad story also. Fast forward about
ten years to when I was in a workshop at a twelve step retreat and something
triggered me and I realized my son was a "lost boy." It broke my
heart and the tears came pouring out. I then realized I was a lost boy too.
This left me sobbing to myself in a room full of people.
That was very, very unusual for me to cry let alone sobbing. I
regularly hear people share they haven't cried for years or decades. I used to
be that person. Many adult children describe being stuck in roles such as lost
child, but also teacher's pet, mama's boy, or many others assigned to them by
parents, siblings, and others that were limiting and oppressive. For an
in-depth look see the section "WhoWe Are."
But breaking through and releasing my grief also broke through to the
love, joy, and happiness that were also frozen below the surface. From there I
was able to grieve things as they occur like the shuttle disaster, the death of
over a million trees in California from the drought, and most often when I see
and hear people suffering from generational disease, abuse, and dysfunction
At the 12-step retreats people
will sometimes carry a stuffed animal or figure around all weekend getting in
touch with their inner child's joy and grief. We also usually have an inner
child workshop where we have boxes of toys we pour out on the floor to play
with as we share our stories. It is at times a mad affair with balls, balloons,
and laughter flying around. Some people bring their own toys such as Barbie
dolls and others.
This gave me not only permission,
but encouragement to play and have fun to access my inner child. We also can
share from our inner child the experiences of our youth and family good or bad.
This inspired me to start filling my own box of toys. Since then I often
through the toy aisle in every store that has one as well as making trips into
all the toy stores I can find.
Now I have kaleidoscopes, kazoos,
frisbees, army men, Play-Doh, crayons and coloring books, yo-yos, spinning
tops, bubble wands, sidewalk chalk, beach and juggling balls and many other fun
things. Most of them stay in the box between spring and fall retreats but
that's okay as they get plenty of use at camp. The bubble wands and sidewalk
chalk get regular use. I also still bicycle every chance I get, and I like to
do chalk and bubbles on our patio and around the neighborhood while I'm
out walking the dogs.
I also take a bunch of bubble wands
with me wherever I go for impromptu bubble sessions with like-minded people in
fun places like the beach, on top of Morro rock in Sequoia Park, and at glacier
point in Yosemite. Yeehaw! My life seems to be taking the term kidding around
to a whole new level!
I have also collected 450 or so model cars and motorcycles so far, and
I know it is hard to believe, but I have owned about 45 cars, 50 motorcycles,
and dozens of bicycles. Unfortunately I had most of them prior to recovery, so
many are sad stories of wanting the best just to look good in the eyes of friends
and others, but then giving in to ones who talked me out of them, or selling
them rather than having the self esteem to use and enjoy them.
Another area I found freedom and
inspiration I call Super Powers. These are very simple but powerful things like
love peace joy and beauty. It may seem odd to call them Super Powers but they
can be keys to a full and complete life. Where did they get the superpower?
From my Higher Power, the source of all wisdom, power, and presence in the universe.
That's a lot of power, so if these are tools then they are certainly power
tools!
Playing around with these
concepts for a few years let me to a share in the meeting where I state that
not only are we allowed to have fun in 12-step but we are encouraged to, so I
whip off my jacket to expose a Superman shirt and brilliant red satin cape
underneath. But I quickly explain I am not Superman, rather I am
"Surrenderman," because acceptance and surrender is step one in the
recovery process because it is one of the most powerful and transformative.
I started wearing my
Surrenderman cape from time to time at camp, so when people kept asking where my cape was I started to wear it all
weekend. This inspires me to have fun and tells others that it's okay, and in fact good to express their joyful and
playful nature.
Once at the closing meeting a
woman shared how when she was going through chemotherapy it helped her to think
of Surrenderman. I was waiting for my turn and had a new big bright red cape
hidden for my share, but I ran up and put it on her! She was wearing white head
to toe it so she really looked the part. It was a very fun and inspiring
moment.
As a theme for the next retreat
she suggested a "Twelve-Step guide to becoming your own Superhero,"
and it was approved. We each had the choice of getting a super hero cape
instead of a t-shirt with our registration, and all of the workshops focused on
developing our superpowers. It was awesome!
I now have other capes and
costumes to inspire and empower me such as a magicians cape and wand and a
wizard robe, hat, and wand to help me bring magic and wonder into my world. I
also have a Star Wars Jedi Knight robe with light saber to inspire me to fight
for justice truth and freedom, and a king's cape, crown, scepter, and sword to
remind me to rule my world with wisdom, fairness, and strength.
Sometimes I will put on all of
them to become a super wizard warrior king, and use my swords and sabers to
imagine cutting through evil, injustice, and suffering, as well as generational
disease, dysfunction, and insanity. For a look at a comprehensive list of both
sides of the Super Power concepts, please clickhere.
In Workaholics Anonymous we
learn to turn work into play, so what we once saw only as tools may also be
seen as toys. So apart from the Super Powers, another set of "power
tools" I have been "playing with" are slogans, mottos, and
mantras. These are short, succinct, and yes, powerful phrases we can use to
inspire and motivate ourselves and others anytime and anywhere. Click here for a look.
These example are some of our
favorite quotes from famous people, many are song titles, and some are bumper
stickers! It doesn't matter where they come from, as the point is to inspire
your imagination, spark the fire in your soul, and empower you to face the
challenges of the day and celebrate the joys and victories. As you can see we
really have fun here, but some are deeply moving, and others are powerful
reminders of important lessons learned.
Copyrights 11/17