Prayer and Meditation

Prayer and meditation are a very important part of my life. They are also an important part of my favorite paths, Twelve Step and Buddhism. Prayer and meditation are honored as the 11th step "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out." Buddhism considers meditation as the foundation of enlightenment and wisdom, many meditating for many hours a day in silence for years at a time. Many also pray to their ancestors and others, display prayer flags, and use prayer wheels. Although there are many similarities between between prayer and meditation, there are significant differences as well, so have split them up into multiple posts. Look here for prayer, here for mindfulness, which includes calm abiding and insight meditation.

Welcome!

Greetings friends, and welcome!
What's this site about? I'll start at the beginning. It seemed like I had a pretty good childhood, but in my teens I realized there was something missing. After drinking, drugging, and racing (literally) through my twenties, then a very sad divorce in my thirties, I began to seek a better path in earnest. Long story short, after many years, books, recovery meetings, discussions, retreats, and workshops and much soul seraching, I gathered a lot of clarity, wisdom, and peace I want to share with you. I took the notes and sorted those into categories that have evolved and expanded over the years. I find these "paths" to be not only powerful, but truly life changing, more than able to transcend the craziness of modern society and life. Thus, I have dubbed them the "Sanity Files." Serenity files works too as that is the purpose, to transform the chaos in our lives peacefully. The idea is to show you how I work my healing to inspire you to find and work yours. I have two blogs; CowboyDharma and HikingBikingViking. The first was intended to focus on recovery, the second on personal passions. Along the way they merged as recovery became personal and personal passions helped me recover. These categories or "paths" are listed to the right on the home page of the Cowboy Dharma site and listed in the order of how they came into my life rather than importance. To access the list from HikingBikingViking click on "Introduction" on the right to bring you to Cowboy Dharma. If you want to jump to what I believe are the most powerful, start with Twelve Step Recovery, Power of Now, and Buddha Nature. Any of them can be a way to discover not only the deeply problematic and habitual thinking and behaviors we cling to, but also help to move on to the immense help, healing, and happiness that dwells beyond and within. They all work together in what I call exponential synergy. They are synergistic as they work together to achieve much more than they could alone, and exponentially as the power of each is multiplied by the others. See what resonates and works for you. I sincerely hope you find peace, love, joy, and beauty for yourself and your world, if not here, then elsewhere. Please email me at hikingbikingviking@earthlink.net with other "paths" or things you have found helpful. Sorry, but can't promise I can get back to you as it tends to stack up. Thanks for stopping by and I wish you all the best! Lars :)

Science and Technology

Science is as valuable to me as any of the other paths as science is intimately connected with each; relationships, nature, wisdom, art, beauty, and so on. Many see science as being at odds with spiritual paths, but myself and many others do not. I have felt this perhaps through out my life but have rarely seen it explained as well as a Newsweek article in 1998 Science Finds God. In it Maimonides is quoted as saying "The only pathway to achieve a love of God is by understanding the works of his hand." So true. The alternative is a big dumb universe. I find the universe much to intelligent, complex, and sublime to accept that. I am not talking about an old man in the sky, but the inherent wisdom that brought about this beautiful world and its incredibly abundant, diverse, tenacious, and complex life forms. In the article the number pi (the circumference of a circle divided by its diameter) "Turns up in equations that describe subatomic articles, light, and other quantities that have no connection to circles." Take a look at the Fibonacci Principle and again you see how beautiful and elegant creation really is. Buddhism's three main principles of illusion, impermanence, and interbeing, although over 2500 years old are now being proven by science and technology. Personally I always think of pounding my fist on a table to see its apparent solidity evaporated by the reality of the atoms making up table and fist being nothing more than the electrical forces of atoms, even those made up of mostly empty space proving life is an illusion. The atoms ever in action and flux prove impermanence, and that all things are made up of these same parts showing interbeing. For these and many other reasons, I agree with John Muir that "“When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.  One fancies a heart like our own must be beating in every crystal and cell. How lavish is nature, building, pulling down, creating, destroying, chasing every material particle from form to form, ever changing, ever beautiful.”

Happiness Workshop

   In the beginning... We were whole, perfect, beautiful, wonderful, vibrant, & fully alive!

We soon learned the world was not a safe place. We were often wounded as children by parents, relatives, or friends, also by society, culture, and religion. We internalized these voices that created pain and suffering, and as we grew we developed a false self in reaction to this inner critic. The judgmental, negative, and condemning voice in our head told us that happiness was a reward and achievement we had to work long and hard to obtain.

    We think of happiness as a prize, a possession that we must earn through seemingly endless struggle and sacrifice. We feel that we aren't worthy of happiness until we rush through life, pay our dues, take our licks, and fight the good fight. This fight becomes a battle, a war, and the personal and collateral damage can be devastating, with much blood spilled! We see happiness as something existing outside of us, a destination in the distance, a fleeting experience, always there and then, if and when.

    We were taught that we must win the approval of others to deserve happiness by slaving endlessly to get the right education, job, house, car, body, mate, kids and so on. We learn to believe it is about getting and having happiness, then holding onto it with a death grip. We think this hunt for happiness is a lifelong odyssey, an epic search and chase for this holy grail. We’re afraid we'll look foolish if we are happy, as if ignorance really was bliss. We're also afraid being happy will make us vulnerable, that someone will soon come along and stomp on our joy to hurt us.

    We think we must suffer now to get happiness later, or if we are happy now, we will suffer for it later. We must do, do, do to earn happiness. We think we have to be  "good enough” to deserve happiness, only the bar keeps getting higher, so we have to be super good in an attempt to achieve and sustain perfection in every area of life. And not just with ourselves, oh no, that would be selfish, we have to take care of everybody and everything else (perfectly) before we are allowed to relax and enjoy happiness. Obviously, that never happens so happiness remains elusive.

 We think only lucky people get happiness, that it is rare and uncommon, and that life is too difficult, busy, frantic, and noisy to have room or time to be happy. This is a habitual thought process in which we have identified with problems, troubles, and mistakes, perhaps even feeling that we ourselves are a mistake! In the USA we have been taught that we have to make it alone, by ourselves, through rigid self sufficiency, pulling ourselves up by our own bootstraps. No wonder we isolate so much. Confusion and doubt reign supreme. We feel like a victim, a slave, and “less than” others.

 To make matters worse, our inner critic wages a personal attack on us, saying: "You don't deserve happiness, you should be ashamed, you're worthless, the worst person ever to walk the earth, the lowest of the low. You make everyone sick. You're a mess, a disease, a waste of air and water, just taking up valuable space, a scourge on the earth, a liar, a cheater, a thief, and a murderer. You're awful, terrible, a fake, a fraud, and a joke. Only nobody's laughing because everyone hates you.

    “You're ugly and stupid, wicked, guilty, and evil. A piece of crap, small, insignificant, less than zero. You were a rotten kid, and now you're a rotten adult. A bad parent, friend, worker, and everything else. You can't do anything right. You are a repulsive disgrace, a pathetic pervert, a taker, a useless user, a loser. No wonder you've been through so many relationships, as soon as someone gets to know you they leave you.”

    The truth is you don't have to work, struggle, suffer, fight, wait, or achieve anything to have happiness. It's not a possession, reward, prize, or destination. Happiness is a gift you were given before time began, it is your inheritance. It has no opposite and is completely natural and fulfilling, it just is. Although we have problems and make mistakes, we can make the choice to identify with the all knowing, all power, all presence that is our Higher Power, to which we connect through our Wonder Child and True Self.

    Your circumstances and situation are of no consequence in the realm of the infinite of which you are an essential part. In truth, we are not separate from others, nature, or Higher Power, rather an important aspect of all creation, intimately connected to and part of everything that is, was, and ever will be. We certainly don't have to go it alone, it wouldn't work anyway; life is always a group effort.

    Your job here is to become yourself squared! To be who you are, connect with the joy of your soul and spread it throughout the universe endlessly. There is nothing missing, broken, or flawed; you are complete, whole, and perfect. You have been suffering from a case of mistaken identity, mistaking yourself for the problems, disease, and insanity of the world when you can just as easily identify with the solutions, well being, and sanity.

   You are not little, alone, or insignificant. You are the greatest, most glorious gift God has to give, a priceless treasure! The most beautiful, awesome, and amazing thing in existence! You are not a peon or a slave, you are royalty! If young a prince or princess; if older a king or a queen with a kingdom or queendom you must rule. You are an angel, here to sing the praises of humanity and creation with your own special voice and vision, so everyone who will listen will hear and join in the joyous song.

    You are the creative principle that built the pyramids, mapped astronomy, discovered chemistry and mathematics, dared surgery, painted every masterpiece, and wrote every symphony. In fact, you and your life are a symphony, an ecstatic celebration of music, dance, and poetry; you are the greatest work of art ever made. All of creation gives you a standing ovation.

Homecoming

From an abandonment and recovery workshop experience at the Fall Camp Recovery at De Beneville Pines 9/18/10

   During a guided meditation I imagined one of my safe places, a stream at a bend in the road between the Meadows neighborhood and Altadena proper in California where I grew up from birth to second grade. I still go there from time to time when I am visiting the area as it is a very peaceful and pleasant place, forested with old oak trees arching out among the sycamore and spruce.

    I imagined sitting on a rock looking up to the sunlight through the leaves and branches of the trees. White and spotted rocks line the steam bed, lush green vines and crimson poison ivy carpet the hillsides.  I hear the leaves rustle in the breeze I feel on my face and hair. I also hear the trickling stream, the birds darting about, and the occasional car going by.  The plaintive cry of a hawk, my spirit animal, calls out from a tree top nearby. I whistle back and he returns the call.                                  

   After a while I see myself as a little boy, my inner child arrive. He gently joins me, and gives me a hug. He sits on my knee and we share the peace and solitude of this place along with the comfort and assurance of being together. I ask if he is scared or sad. He says no, well maybe a little, but is so happy to be in this place and with me that that is far away. He then starts to wander about visiting with the lizards, dragonflies, water skaters, butterflies, and other stream life.                                                    

   My pubescent boy arrives on his Schwinn stingray and joins us to talk and play. He too needs a hug and some time softly talking and sharing our lives, our joys and fears, pleasures and sorrows.  He too then runs off to join my little one exploring the wonders of this natural and yet magical place.  

   My teenager then arrives on his bike and once again we visit and relate.  His life is more difficult as there are much more expectations and pressures in junior and high school, and socially in the family and with friends. I realize now he never really felt completely accepted or appreciated. The close friends he had felt the same, also “lost boys,” troubled and sometimes criminal in their behavior. His making it through without getting in trouble with the law, alcohol, or drugs was nothing less than a miracle.

   My late teens and early twenties lost boy arrives on a motorcycle, his escape from the confusion and desperation he feels at being so alone and without help. These boys didn’t have a mentor, a guide whether that be a teacher, parent, or other to help them navigate the difficulties or joys of life. He has given in to peer curiosity and started to smoke grass.

   My late twenties self also arrives on a motorcycle, faster and more dangerous. His life was that too, as he smokes pot and drank beer every day.  In fact he crashed once less than a mile away accidently wheelying off the side of the road late at night after getting stoned and drinking whiskey.  His angels stayed close as he wasn’t even scratched. He had to walk the five miles home pushing his motorcycle due to a flat front tire, a sobering experience in many ways.

   My young man of early thirties arrives with a wedding ring but still very much alone. He tells how he plays the role of husband by doing the yard work, paying bills, and staying to his own much of the time. He took a job working nights delivering pizza as he still doesn’t feel welcome, even in his own home. The marriage ends before long, after giving birth to a lost boy of his own.

   The man that arrives next is at last finding help and healing through a 12 step community as he rediscovers his spiritual self and finds loving and true friends dedicated to recovery. Sadly, there will be many more years of disease as he struggles to control and manipulate others and his situation to manage his disease.

   The last of the lost ones arrives, late forties and married again. These were very hard times as I continued to struggle, but this time to finally find full awareness of and recovery from my disease.  Work and home life are still a great challenge but getting easier as I learn the tools I need to cope with life one day, one moment  at a time.

   We all are so happy to be together at last that love and joy are overflowing from each of us. The excitement and joy sends us off following the stream and our adventurous spirits. We take care not to step on the salamanders hiding along the stream or tiny frogs hopping about. We must look up as well to avoid walking into the spider webs draped between the trees, the big fellows standing guard in the center of each.  Here and there the stream is exposed by rocky outcroppings or disappears among the foliage as the canyon meanders left and right.

   A passing storm tries to put a damper on our fun by drenching us in a short cloudburst, but to no avail, our happiness cannot be cooled. Drenched head and shoulders I think it is best we turn back to enjoy again the wondrous beauty unveiled at every turn. Back at the roadside, we smile, we laugh, we hug, we huddle!

   As we rest and relax, the little one reaches into the stream and cups his hands around a glint of sunlight, then drinks it in  and is filled with light. Others start to splash the sunlit water onto each other until we are all bathed in light, an incandescent aura glowing from within us all. The little one runs and hugs the next larger boy and miraculously merges into him, becoming one. He turns to the teen and merges into him, one by one all becoming one, finally stepping into my present self, whole and complete.

   It’s time to go home, all of us together, within me. As I climb the short bank to the street I see the bicycles merging as well, smaller into larger, then into the motorcycles, older into newer. I turn and look to see this safe place once more to take the image and experience with me. Riding off I can’t help but do a wheelie to salute the lost boys within me as well as all the lost boys and girls, and men and women out there, still searching, and who can find help and healing as I did.

I hope you enjoyed my story, but even more I hope it helps you find hope, that you are not alone, that you can recover and re-parent  all of your lost and scattered selves from through-out your life. Personally I use many tools and have many maps to help me find my way home. Chief among them are 12 Step programs like CODA and ACA, but I still use the Christ teachings I was raised with, and embrace Buddhism, The Power of Now, and Compassionate Communication. For a look at what works for me, Google “Cowboy Dharma” or log into www.cowboydharma.blogspot.com or www.hikingbikingviking.blogspot.com     

   I need to tell you my parents were lost kids too, my father moving from place to place most every year, usually without his parents. My mother’s parents divorced then remarried when she was a child. He then died during an operation when she was twelve. Her mother never remarried but had, as I understand, troubled relationships. She couldn’t wait to get away, and did when she was seventeen. She did have an aunt who was a great help and comfort to her.

They did the best they could with what they had to work with and gave me many fine gifts of character and personality. I owe them a lot and certainly don’t wish to discount their help. True, it wasn’t enough, but between God, myself, my family, friends, and recovery programs, we’re getting the job done.  I mention this because I don’t want to blame anyone, rather I think it best we have compassion for those who raised us, best as they could.  Best of luck and wishes in your recovery, Lars

Relationships - Connection

This is where each of our stories start and play out over a lifetime. Relationships are our connections to everyone and everything, however functional or dysfunctional. I dare to say it is relationships, our connection to others and things that give our life purpose and meaning. I first realized the profound value of relationships when I read Love and Survival by Dr. Dean Ornish. In it he shows how relationships to our community make a huge difference in our health and welfare. Even people who engage in unhealthy behaviors like drinking, smoking, poor diet, and lack of exercise can live long and healthy lives, apparently due to the support of their intimates and community. Amazing! On the other hand, those who have little support encounter a host of health and life difficulties and live shorter lives. In one study orphan babies who were denied human touch due to a epidemic scare all died Are we, and more importantly, do we feel, part of, or apart from our Higher Power, ourselves, others, and all life and creation?  One of my favorite models of how we develop for better or worse is Erik Erikson's eight stages. From this we can see how we may gain basic trust, autonomy, initiative, identity, intimacy, generativity and integrity, and conversely, mistrust, shame, doubt, guilt, inferiority, role confusion, isolation, stagnation, and despair.My guess is most everyone has some of each to some extent, small or large. Personally, I recall my formative years as isolated and confusing, and so have have struggled with intimacy and self esteem issues most of my life. I consider myself fortunate at that as many of my friends were actively abused either verbally, emotionally, physically, sexually, or spiritually, some receiving many, perhaps all of these. Even those from highly functional homes have suffered and carry wounds. In twelve step programs we acknowledge this entity as our wounded inner child. The difficulties we faced often were so common in our daily lives we came to see them as normal and internalized them deep within. These forces often found a voice in our heads as a critical inner parent, a malevolent energy telling us how bad and worthless we are. To me, the saddest news is that without enlightenment of these dark forces, we are doomed to create and live through a false self and try to recreate and correct the problems of our youth with the people, places, and things least likely to achieve it. All is not lost however, for if we can find the strength to remove the years of bandages and armor   we have built up to protect these wounds and endure the pain and suffering of cleaning and dressing them, we can heal. I am living proof. Only then can we find the voice of our own loving inner parentto rediscover, experience and enjoy our inner wonder child and live from our true self.
Part Two: One of the best descriptions of Co-dependency is others first, ourselves second and Higher Power last. What really works best is H.P. first, ourselves second, then others. Why? Because Higher Power always knows best. A healthy Higher Power is infinite power, presence, our true parent, source and supply after all.  All too often we forget and listen to the louder and more insistent voice of ego, ours or others. Do others really have our best interests at heart? Perhaps not, and even if they do, they could be wrong. This is also why Jung said that most of our problems are of a spiritual nature. We have become cut off from our true source so have spent our lives lost and wandering for our real home. Another reason Higher Power comes first is because it is our connection to life, love, and all creation. Buddhism calls this Indras net, an infinite web with dew drops on every intersection reflecting every other forever. John Muir said "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe" Also, "There is not a fragment in all of nature, for every relative fragment of one thing is a full harmonious unit in itself." Thich Nhat Hanh calls this "Interbeing" and tells how a piece of paper contains the sun.shine, rain, earth, and logger in its essence. In Star Wars Yoda says "My ally is the Force. And a powerful ally it is. It is what gives a Jedi his power. It is the energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us. It binds the universe together."  Even the American government gives in to Higher Power and and prints on every bill "IN GOD WE TRUST."
Next we trust ourselves and our own experience. Buddha said " Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who said it unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense." Emerson said "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself" as the summation of his excellent essay; Self Reliance. Einstein that "Never do anything against conscience, even if the state demands it," and "Few are those who  see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts." When we come to others, we again connect to the whole through a higher law, a higher calling to selfless service, through communing with others in community. Yet we must avoid over dependence on others; co-dependency. Twelve steppers say "My Higher Power doesn't have two legs" because we have learned how others have gained power over us and we are working to be free. Before recovery we let others dictate what clothes we wore, foods we ate, friends and hobbies we had, on and on. The classic example is when a codependent dies, someone else's life passes before them! This is a connection gone bad, one we learn to overcome and take responsibility and control of our own lives, of our own wants and needs. For a commentary of ego versus true self see my workshop post "Happiness." Also if you would like to see what it might be like to recapture your wonder child (children actually), see my post "Homecoming."
In conclusion, I must say again, the quality of our relationships all come down to our feeling, our experience. Do we really feel and experience ourselves as part of, or apart from our Higher Power, ourselves, others, and all life and creation? It is so very important as this is what most often determines if we find happiness, purpose, and meaning in our lives.For other posts on my experience, strength and hope in relationships, look here and here.

This is Lars

As you can see by now, I like to write. I find life simply so amazing and wonderful, as Cat Stevens sang, "I can't keep it in." My writing covers a broad range of topics, most coming from twelve step recovery work and meetings. I have a few other "programs" such as the Power of Now of Eckhart Tolle, Buddhism, science, nature, and others. Once in awhile a thought or image grabs me, my muse is inspired, and I have to write it down and/or share it. This blog gives you access to some of these inspirations. They are somewhat eclectic, so feel free to jump around and find what inspires you. I (really we-my best buddy and I) enjoy many passions such as doing chalk and other art, flying kites, boogie boarding, riding bikes and motorcycles, going on trips, cooking, and so on. Many of these will be showing up here over time. I'll start with a favorite story of how I met my inner children and inner younger men during a guided imagery workshop. I  call it  Homecoming. Another workshop that came out really good is Happiness. Nature was my first love, but bicycles and motorcycles (post here) soon took over. The fact that they help me reach and enjoy nature is one of the reasons why. Here is some of my favorite music, here a post on following bliss,  I am currently filming some of my favorite rides, activities, and places I will share with you here soon. For now check out some videos others have done on my favorites: Sullivan Canyon  Monrovia Canyon  A Day In Yosemite  Hwy 395 to Bishop  June Lake  Palm Springs  Santa Barbara  San Diego Ventura  Monterey  Big Bear Lake  Sequoia Park  Mammoth Lakes

Achieving Healthy Relationships

I must admit, I was simply awful at intimate relationships, and not much better at casual ones. If I could heal (and I did), so can you. Maybe it's because I am an Aries and therefore doggedly stubborn that I have fought my way through to a semblance of wisdom and ease in this area. My parents grew up in very difficult situations so no surprise I had difficulties as I grew up and "hooked up." I married late at 29, divorced at 34, then had two dysfunctional relationships afterwards because, as we say, "my picker was broken." It still was when I met my wife at a Co-dependents anonymous meeting at 44. It sounds like a fairy tale story as I was sharing at that meeting a couple years later how much I loved her and cared about her and a buddy blurted out "Are you asking her to marry you?!" I said yes.  He then asked, "Where is the ring?" I pulled it out and got down on one knee and proposed to her. A while after that we all walked up a canyon in Sierra Madre to a circle of oak trees (this is called a cathedral) and we were married. The reception was at a house nearby built in 1900. We made the fireplace up to look like a camp fire with a circle of rocks with small logs a red light inside, there was also marsh-mellows on hangers with camp chairs around. The table had a picnic basket and checkerboard table cloth. The cake had a hiking path and waterfall. For our honeymoon we had a cabin in the canyon above Santa Barbara. Despite the fairytale engagement and wedding story it was sometimes a nightmare. She was the victim to my abuser, and I was the victim to her abuser. When things went wrong I would shut down and become passive aggressive and she would blow up actively aggressive. The "D" word came up regularly and considering the problems we had, we would have been justified to walk away. It was a recipe for disaster once again, but through an intense bond of our inner kids and 12 step programs, Buddhism, Eckhart Tolle, A Course in Miracles, nature, and other wisdom paths, we have pulled through in a big way. These gave us the experiences that give us strength (and clarity) and therefore hope. She is now my  best friend, partner, mate, Dharma teacher, spiritual teacher, recovery buddy, co sponsor, playmate, biker buddy, cuddle bug, and better half in many ways. We have learned a new dance, a much healthier one so we don't step on each others toes as much. If we do, we use the "A" words, apologies and amends. Sorry, but it isn't fast, easy, or painless, but it sure is worth it. I have been to perhaps 1500 meetings, 25 retreats (with awesome workshops, healing, and fun), am on my third round of step study (as of May 2012), and do service and cosponsor regularly. Yes, I am a bit obsessed with spiritual healing, for instance, the computer I'm working on is covered with 12 step slogan stickers like "Let go, Let God, One day at a time, relax, God is in charge," and others. The most important one, and the experience, strength, and hope I wish to communicate to you here is, "It works, if you work it". This is as true in relationships as anywhere else. Honestly, this is the most important lesson of life, for without healthy relationships, we are lost and alone. Embrace your Higher Power, your wisdom paths, your healing, embrace others, and see what it's like to really live.