Congratulations on being willing to take a look at Twelve Step Recovery! Recovery from what you might ask? Coming to live through a false self to cope with family of origin dysfunction and life's daily challenges and difficulties. Instead we seek to recover the "True Self" found in a Higher Power, wise teachers, wise friends (community), and wise literature. This was the revelation that began and sustains the great and highly successful Twelve Step movement.
We can't go it alone. The dysfunction and difficulties of youth and life caused us to isolate in order to avoid further pain and suffering, but freedom and healing lie in safe, wise, and loving relationships by sharing our burden with helpful family and friends, recovery programs, and good counseling. We also turn inward to find, enable, and celebrate our Higher Power and True Self at our center and core, as we also turn outward to find and build caring, healing, and helpful community into our lives.
There are dozens of Twelve Step programs that cover many afflictions such as
co-dependency, workaholism, narcotics, even Clutterers Anonymous. The
"Twelve Steps" began in Alcoholics Anonymous and is slightly modified
to address each groups particular situation. These steps work to take us from
difficult and dysfunctional ways of thinking, acting, and living, to fully functional
and satisfying lives. The reason Twelve Step programs are so successful is that no one knows what you have been through like some who has been through it too, so find your tribe, and your people and you will likely find healing.
A very powerful program we have the privilege to be a part of is "Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families." Members were unable to mature completely due to family of origin issues so at times regress into a childhood state: thus the term "Adult Children." It is our personal experience that there is great healing to be had there. It is said a problem well-defined is a problem half solved. Albert Einstein identified this when he said “If you can't explain it simply you don't understand it well enough”. This shows us that focusing and concentrating on issues leads us to understanding them, so wisdom and transformation can occur.
As a result of growing up in dysfunctional families, we acquired many survival skills such as frozen feelings, isolation, perfectionism, fear of authority and confrontation and others that served us as children but become problematic as adults. A very eye opening look at how dysfunction continues to affect us as adults take a look at the ACA "Problem" or "Laundry List" and to see how we can rise above and heal take a look at "The Solution" and "The Promises."
In ACA there is much more emphasis on family dynamics of the inner child
(wonder or wounded), inner parent and Higher Power (critical or loving) and the
false or True Self than other programs that we find very enlightening and
helpful. For a look at the basic dynamics at work in our lives in ten pages of notes from the Big Red Book click here,
and lastly for a longer account of our founding father's Twelve Step story
click here.
The basic principles of Twelve Step Recovery covered in the previous
paragraph cover much of the elements of our dysfunction and recovery, yet
sometimes we are moved to weave them into other compelling stories coming from
the different perspectives we find through-out our lives and recovery. For
these, please click on ACA
Hard Truths, or The
Killer Share. For a really fired up version of how our frustration can make
us want to fight dysfunction with all we've got see BE
A REVOLUTION!
It really is a heroic thing to take the step of faith and go to meetings, make recovery friends, do
step study, work with a sponsor, go on retreats, and make phone calls, so we applaud your courage. We are often reminded what an amazing
adventure and challenge it is. To get a taste of this story click here
for "The Twelve Step Hero's Journey." For a link to some very helpful
information on the Twelve Steps and Traditions and where to find meetings click here.
There are many ways to find healing in Twelve Step programs such as meetings,
step study groups, sponsoring, retreats, and other paths. It usually isn't
fast, easy, or painless, in fact it can be a lot of very hard yet satisfying
work, but you are worth it! For a longer look at the many possibilities and
opportunities please click here.
Of the many opportunities illuminated previously, most of them come down to one
simple concept and word that many consider the key to a fulfilling life;
service. Being of service takes the emphasis of a small and scared me and mine
and transports us into the ever more satisfying, useful and worthy realm of
love and connection. For a look at how service can work magic in your life take
a look at The
Magic Word.
Brene Brown has been a great inspiration to many of us as her books and videos
really nail the how Twelve Step folks function and suffer. Take a look on
YouTube her videos are viral. She has been studying connection many years and
what she found was shame. Thank God the solution she also found is what we
practice everyday - Wholehearted living through vulnerability. Her early book
The Gift of Imperfection inspired this look at Brokeness.
Perhaps this is a good spot to consider Hitting
Bottom, as this is often the only way we can break the cycle of dysfunction
that has been running our lives since we were children. There's nothing like a
heart attack, getting arrested, fired, or divorced to get our attention.
There's a million ways to hit bottom, and a million ways to get back on our
feet, as we have a God of a million second chances.
Too many of us are just digging ourselves into a hole deeper and deeper day by
day head down and working hard at it. It's not until we hit bottom - rock
bottom - that we find we are standing on the rock - the solid rock that is the
infinite power, presence, and wisdom of the universe that we stop, look up, and
finally start to dig our way out, and reach out to those who can really help
us.
You may have already looked at the "Super Powers" section of this
website and seen how we can plug into the infinite power, presence, and wisdom
of our Higher Power to help us through life's difficulties. Twelve Step is no
different, and in fact what inspired us to link these essential virtues and
principles to our Higher Power. Look here for the Twelve Step version of Super
Powers.
Another "Sanity File" you may have seen is Sayings, Slogans and
Mantras. These are pithy short sayings that can pack a lot of wisdom into just
a few words. Our inner kids and adults like to have fun, and these are one way
we do just that. Here
are the Twelve Step slogans, but take a look at the Sanity Files Slogans to see
various big fonts and colors these even more interesting and alive.
The internet has a wealth of information and resources to help you find and
live your True Self. One surprisingly comprehensive site is Wikipedia's entry
on the Dysfunctional
Family. There we see examples of common features, the ACA Laundry List,
dysfunctional parenting, family dynamics, the six basic roles of children, and
the effects all of this has on us. It is somewhat daunting to see it all layed
out so clearly and completely, but well worth a look
There are many ways to look at family dysfunction and recovery. One very
important aspect is taking personal responsibility so we don't get stuck in
victim thinking. Unfortunately we can also become the abuser at times, or as a
third alternative, a rescuer. None of these is a good place to be, and as usual
awareness and understanding is key. If this interests you take a look at the
Drama Triangle in a Wikipedia
link, a Website
link, and a YouTube.
It seems there is one obvious difference between the shares of newcomers and
old timers in recovery meetings, and that is that newcomers tend to blame
others for their situation, while old timers think in terms of "My side of
the street or yours". In truth, we can't change anyone but ourselves. But
when we change, our whole world changes from the inside out. For this
reason it is worthwhile to consider "Blameless
Recovery". The link takes you to the eye opening reading from a ACA
phone meeting that is listed on the ACA website for those interested.
Step Eleven advises us to improve our conscious contact with God, knowledge of
God's will for us, and the power to carry it out, three things well worth
pursuing. Many find it is one of their favorite steps so return to it often.
This worthy pursuit led to a retreat workshop you may want explore entitled
(and linked to) "Eleventh
Step Visioning".
Another great way we can build conscious contact with our Higher Power as
well as our inner child, inner parent, body, feelings, and other inner energies
is through journaling. Some use it as a place of conversation with these
entities, some simply record their daily doings, and others draw pictures,
write poems, or make huge, bold, and colorful entries. It is your private and
personal space to do whatever you want, so enjoy it! We call this entry Journaling
101.
Keys
To Recovery has a list of most of the Twelve Step groups currently
available and articles of members experiences. Each group usually has a website
with basic information, links to related literature, and meeting lists. Here
are a few books of interest Codependents
Anonymous Codependent
No More also ACA
Big Book, Step Study, and Laundry List Workbooks.
Here are some inspiring songs you may enjoy: Welcome Home Get Back Up The Broken Road Ready to Fly Learning How to Bend Alive Again Broken Wings