We were born perfect, and if fortunate, came to see and feel unconditional love in the arms and eyes of a caring mother and father, family, extended family, friends, culture and society. Yet even those blessed with the best of childhoods must eventually face pain, failure, sickness, old age, and death. Unfortunately, and all too often, we came to suffer from chronic generational dysfunction through denial, fear, abuse, shame, abandonment, and loss. Our disease and self became invisible. We come to feel damaged and broken, less than others and unworthy, surviving life but not enjoying it.
This situation has become more
prevalent as modern life has complicated our lives and added stressors. A main
cause is the loss of parents and siblings due to the high rate of divorce.
Remarriage often brings much the same situation as step parents and siblings
can be difficult even in the best of scenarios. The frequency of job changes
and moving homes also contributes significantly to our problems. Smaller
families also puts more pressure on individuals as there are simply less people
available to help.
As children cannot accurately
assess danger and threats until their reasoning matures starting at six and not
fully until the late teens, protection, guidance, and nurturing are very
important for all kids. This safety problem often times starts early as the
cost of living forces parents back to work sooner than is prudent. The high
costs of daycare also forces many parents to put children into risky daycare
situations with poor quality centers, relatives, or others who are not up to
the task, at times even (secretly) neglectful and abusive in many ways.
Poor or nonexistent parenting
exhibits in many ways. For example, rites of passage. As children pass through
life stages the changes need to be addressed and processed properly for kids to
learn to deal with them. Graduations, puberty, deaths, marriages, holidays,
divorces, and other significant life events need to be acknowledged to
understand the feelings and thoughts that arise. Significant world events such
as wars, genocide, disasters, and shootings need to be discussed as well.
Birth order plays a part as
parents have less skills and experience with early children and often less time
and energy for later children. Earlier children may have more difficulties as
parents struggle to curtail and control behaviors that are actually normal due
to the parents lack of knowledge and training. As more kids arrive parents must
spread their time between them, often passing on parental duties to older
children even less well equipped to deal with them. In the past families often
had grandparents who were wiser in child rearing for help with issues as well
as available for caring for the children.
Unspoken and rigid rules of
"don't talk, don't trust, don't feel and don't look, don't listen, don't
heal," came into being and were strictly enforced silently or overtly as
ACA children were unseen and unheard. The abuses and dysfunctions of our youth
were often so commonplace that we thought them to be acceptable and normal. The
abuse was internalized as we unconsciously created an inner abuser and critic,
ever ready and willing to chime in to criticize, belittle, and berate from
within.
This can become a default, or set
point that we go back to instinctively, automatically until we believe it to be
our true self. The mask of negativity seems to become our face, and our bodies
clothed in protective bandages and armor head to toe. Unconsciously adopted
character defects, defenses, roles, and survival traits continue to be
problematic throughout our lives unless we find help and healing. Yet as the
readings tell us, "this is a description, not an indictment," we can
change!
In the right environment we felt
confident and secure, able to explore and experience our bodies, ideas, and the world with enthusiasm and wonder.
Unfortunately, due to family and other dysfunctional persons and situations,
our "wonder child" and "True Self" were often forced into
hiding to avoid the pain and suffering of being neglected or attacked and
abused when vulnerable, sensitive, and authentic. A "wounded child"
and "false self" arose and take over. This disconnection from
ourselves, others, and inevitably our Higher Power, create a spiritual and
psychic split that often lead to an empty and lonely life of fear and despair.
Harsh, critical, negative
parenting often came under the disguise of loving care as we are criticized and
made to feel inferior and defective as a way to negatively spur us on and submit
to parents and others expectations of
what we should do and be. This led to a "hole in our soul" we have
desperately tried to fill in many dysfunctional and addictive ways. If we
rebelled, the negative reaction and energy may have increased dramatically to
again force us into submission. As children we yearned for love, healthy
control and safety, but instead learned excessive control, self dependence, and
co-dependence.
Those not overtly abused may have
been neglected physically, emotionally, spiritually, and other ways. Neglect is
also abuse, often manifested by withholding the praise and cherishing necessary
to feel loved, valued, and safe. Silence is used to hurt, demonize and deny.
Often the victim ends up apologizing for abuses they have received. Lack of
interest and attention is abuse as well, in a word; indifference. Dysfunction
in youth leads to addictive work, sex, spending, eating, drinking, drugging,
and relationships unless we find and embrace our recovery.
Many parents made their children
an accessory while seeking to fulfill an idealistic image of the perfect home
and family. These children inherited stressful perfectionism as they tried to
avoid rejection and abandonment, and feared ever making a mistake. Some of
these children came to believe they were always wrong or never good enough.
They also didn't felt they could relax enough to play and have fun. Oppressive
fear led to oppressive control. The manipulation and enabling we took on to
have control over our lives attracted ever more sick people, situations and
circumstances in an attempt to recreate and repair the people and problems of
our family of origin.
We came to know dependency
(addiction), depression, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder,
dissociation, codependency, obsession, and compulsion intimately. We often fear
authority figures, judge ourselves and others harshly, confuse love and pity,
and hook up with other addictive and sick personalities. Some have obvious and
oppressive depression, addiction, and other issues. Many compensate or hide
them very well. The sad fact is we are doomed to repeat this hopeless
dysfunctional cycle until we access and embrace our truth through recovery,
therapy, community, and friends.
We came to believe we were
responsible for the unhappiness and problems of our parents, family, and
others. We mistook control and manipulation for a relationship. We often became
bullies, perpetrators, and persecutors dominating, controlling, and abusing
others to somehow even the score in our sick and twisted thinking. We needed
help, honesty, and acceptance, but instead received neglect abuse, falsity,
denial and disapproval. We have lived lives of quiet desperation, often in fear
of people, finances, bosses, police, health, disasters, and failure. We felt
unsafe and unloved, ashamed and abandoned.
We may develop secondary
addictions to deal with the pain, such as eating, shopping, or sleeping. The
misery may even feel like a high at times as the pain becomes intense,
especially if we over-identify with our dysfunction gleefully telling and
retelling our victim story. We come into recovery "the walking
wounded," as invisible bandages cover us head to toe and our hearts had
became like a clenched fist hard as stone or steel.
We have shut down our connection
to our past as well as our bodies and feelings.
This is manifested through the inner child as the pain and suffering are
too much for us to bear. To avoid this pain we run and hide from our inner
child or push down it and it lock away. We may have been avoiding our inner
child for decades. This situation is particularly harmful to us as our inner
child holds the emotional, physical, and spiritual side, from the heart, and
not the head.
The inner child is also our
connection to the love and joy we so desperately need to deal with the
difficulties of life to really live. This is obvious on the playground, as
childhood exuberance has kids smiling, laughing, and screaming with delight one
moment, then crying when they get hurt the next, and again laughing and playing
a minute later. They live in the moment, and in the fullest and richest way. We
can too as adults, if we once again make this vital connection.
Another aspect of this physical
and psychic split is that if we are cut off from our past, bodies, and inner
child, we are also cut off from our truth. It is as if the truth wells up in
our body and lungs, but is cut off at the neck, so doesn't make it to our mouth
and out to the world to tell our truth. Owning our past, our bodies, and inner
child helps us own our truth as well, and to express it assertively in healthy
ways.
Our inner child is our heart, and
our connection to something even deeper at our center, our very essence, Higher
Power. We can think about God all day long but nothing matches a felt
experience. Without the inner child, we won't truly and deeply experience God's
love and life. We must go through the inner child, from the head, to heart, to
center. Inner child also is the reservoir of the pain, hurt, and suffering we
carry. We go to the inner child and then together take it to Higher Power for
healing and transformation.
We say "In codependency we
have learned to survive life, in recovery we are learning to live life." Here
we come to understand how the dysfunction and abuses have left us the walking
wounded, sometimes barely hanging on to life and sanity. Through all of the
healing paths and work we gather strength and health to once again live the
full, rich, and magnificent life God intended for us and we know is true within
us through our True Self.
We use a variety of addictions to
harm ourselves. Self abandonment flourishes until we eventually collapse spent
and bewildered. By not recognizing bottoms we try to fool ourselves and others
that "everything is fine." Denial runs rampant as we isolate,
manipulate, and act out through our addictions and other self soothing
behaviors. Some appear highly functional and successful but lack true intimacy
and happiness. We can fake it only so long.
Many ACA's are able to mask their
disease and dysfunction very well. Michael Jackson, Robin Williams, and Prince
may be such examples. Perhaps as telling they were unable to maintain intimate
relationships well enough to help them through, so died alone.
We attempt to cover up hitting
bottoms and relapses with addictions and soothing behaviors. This only prolongs
our suffering. Problems arise as our and subconscious has taken on so much
psychic pain the stress spills over into the body to bring fatigue, illness,
and disease that demand the rest and healing we need. Animals instinctively know when they are hurt
to find safe shelter to rest and lick their wounds, but for humans it often
takes hitting bottoms to really get out attention and seek help and healing.
We have "learned
helplessness," passive aggressiveness, all or nothing thinking, rage, and
self doubt. We cycle through the victim triangle of victim, abuser, and rescuer
(see "victim triangle" for more information). Incidents, abuses, and
abandonments were denied or ignored until we didn't know what was real. Dysfunctional
and abusive behavior is overlooked because we are so used to it we don't
realize how dysfunctional it really is. Movies and shows we watch are often
filled with these behaviors and situations in the name of entertainment.
We often were labeled with roles
in the family or society as the problem or bad boy or girl, lost child, scapegoat,
loser, shy one, sickly one, fat one, clown, and so on. Other children were
labeled as the star, super student, prince or princess, athlete, little man or
woman (who didn't get to be a kid), and so on. Like so many other aspects of
our youth, we took these on as our identity and often exaggerated and furthered
the role play in the eyes of ourselves and others throughout our lives.
We felt bewildered and bereft
fulfilling these inauthentic illusory roles, living out our lives through a
false self. These roles became an entity
unto themselves and took on a life of their own. Again the mask seemed to
become our true face. Others did the same so that many exchanges were in fact
one false role interacting with another. No wonder our relationships became
mired in problems.
We learn roles do not define us.
Not the negative or unrealistic roles assigned to us in our youth, nor any
roles we may have now or in the future. We may be a husband, mother, manager,
teacher, carpenter, dancer, artist, or any other role, but it is not our
essential self. We fulfill our roles, but don't let it become rigid or
determine our self worth. For example: as
parents we nurture, guide, and support our children, but we let them
grow and mature without being over protective or controlling. They will suffer
and fail at times, as everyone must to live a full and complete life.
Where did we run to when things
got scary? to our home? But what if home was lifeless or hell itself? Many
sought safety in dangerous streets and alleys, later in bars. We were forced to
adopt defenses and coping behaviors to feel safe and have some measure of
control. Common ACA family types are: alcoholic, mentally ill, hypochondriacs,
ritualistic, harsh, secretive, ultra religious, militaristic, sadistic,
sexually inappropriate or abusive, perfectionist, shaming, conditional praise,
divorced, and addictive.
The emphasis on family dynamics,
and looking at family of origin patterns through inner child, parent, and self
are emphasized in the ACA program are an essential key to our recovery. This
means looking where fears, misperceptions, and distorted thinking came from
and caused isolation, victimhood, low
self esteem, and judging ourselves and others harshly and mercilessly.
We must remember it is a
generational disease, as we took on guilt and blame from generations past. This
realization helps us forgive ourselves and others that handed down the problems
they were given. The hitting, threats, and indifference leave hidden but deep
scars. The abuse may have been physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual,
financial, verbal and non verbal. The signs are addiction, codependency,
phobias, despair, worry, inferiority, anxiety and panic.
Surrendering control to a Higher
Power or power greater than ourselves, such as our recovery community, is a
pivotal and necessary step. Only then does the focus of our lives move from an
over emphasis on others or ourselves to surrender and acceptance as well as a
more healthy and balanced approach. This critical step is common to all twelve
step programs. We seek the ultimate doctor, counselor, healer, and friend that
is a Higher Power or power greater than ourselves.
ACA makes no apologies that:
"It is a spiritual program based on action coming from love." The
reason is that the false self cannot relate to, know, or experience Higher
Power. Only True Self and in particular inner child can - from the heart.
Counseling, medication, and behavior modification can only go so far, Higher
Power makes all the difference in the end. God's will, not ours, as we
"let go and let God." Early on the Alcoholics Anonymous program found
that those with a spiritual focus were twice as likely to stay sober.
We came into program focusing on
others first, ourselves and our recovery second, and Higher Power last. Through
healing we find ways to put Higher Power (or power greater) first, then
ourselves and our recovery, then others. We do this because personal salvation
must come first, as we won't be much use to anyone else if we are a mess
ourselves. Good self care leads to caring for others in a much better fashion.
If we do attempt to help others
coming from our wounded and dysfunctional selves we will bring that to our
relationships and work to only further the sickness and insanity. We now live
"from the inside out," from the deep essence of ourselves that is
naturally peaceful, compassionate and wise. We touch into these aspects of
ourselves at the deepest center that is our Higher Power and its infinite
intelligence, power, and presence.
Forgiveness is another
transformative tool that increases dramatically through Higher Powers guidance
and influence. If we (or others) could have done better, we would have. We were
simply playing out the chronic generational dysfunction handed down. Forgiveness
can be very difficult, especially if we
think it somehow lets people off the hook for what they have done as if it was
okay.
Abuses are not okay, they never
were nor will be. The point is to forgive the person, not the behavior and
disease. The person has been a puppet to the dysfunction they were subject to.
Compassion for the suffering of their inner child (and adult) allows us to feel
the hurt without being overwhelmed by anger. The battle or fight is with the
behaviors, and beliefs that dysfunction is, not the person.
We come to realize disease and
dysfunction are the problem, not ourselves or others. We must take great care
not to personalize it, to make ours or anyone else's identity. It is not
personal, permanent, or pervasive (our whole life). Dysfunction can be dealt
with and diminished with patience and perseverance. We treat it as a mother
would a tired, cranky, or ailing child, with great care and comfort. For
example: through their own healing a
person abused as a child may become a champion for child's rights and welfare.
Our wounded and false self may
have been "driving the bus" for most of our lives, but we can move
our learned character defects, defenses, and survival traits out of the
driver's seat to put our Higher Power there, as we become worthy co-pilots. Another aspect of a
bus is there are two to a seat. Therefore in reference to our recovery, each
seat holds a defect or defense, with a strength and virtue next to it. We don't
try to get rid of our defects and defenses (kick them off the bus), as they are
a part of us as well.
We had become experts at coping
and dysfunction to deal with difficult people and situations, now we can become
experts at healing and thriving through Higher Power, wonder child, loving
inner parent, and our True Self. We have been sick and twisted on one hand, but
the perfect self and basic goodness was always there buried deep within. We
have been mismanaging our energies all these years so it is high time to put it
to better use and bring out the best in ourselves, others, and the world.
Our defects, defenses, and
survival traits can also be thought of as seeds laying dormant in our
subconscious until triggered by thoughts and events. We often try to push them
back down ("lock them in the basement, closet, or attic") or crowd
them out with distractions and addictions. This is "poor
circulation," and like poor circulation (think constipation!) in the body,
leads to further problems. Again, we must welcome these "guests" and
take good care of them.
A saving grace is that again, for
every difficult seed, there is a helpful one, also waiting to arise and
manifest if we can find the presence of mind to let it. This is where prayer
and meditation become of great benefit. Clarity leads to understanding, wisdom,
and transformation. We tend to think answers and recovery come from working harder, but through prayer and meditation we
find deeper, slower, softer, quieter, kinder, gentler, (less is more) is
actually better. We find our Higher Power has answers that go way beyond what
we could ever imagine.
Many meetings, step studies,
service positions, retreats, and other step work down the road, we come to
really know our true selves. When we come to know the self intimately, we can
let it go. We must "name it to tame it, train it, and transform it."
What is "it?" Our dysfunctional thinking, behaviors and relationships.
Only then can we loosen dysfunctions grip on our lives and start to live the
awesome and abundant life of our wonder child, loving inner parent, and True
Self.
Resilience and acceptance are
necessary and admirable but we must not use them to allow abuse in our lives.
We deserve better! We are also wise to
avoid "the paralysis of (endless) analysis," Yet must "peel the onion" to
eventually dismantle and defuse our dysfunctions. Like peeling an onion, it
gets thicker and juicier the deeper we go. Also there are more tears, but if we
"cook" the onion, it (our dysfunctions) can nourish and add flavor to
our lives.
Our accumulated dysfunction comes
from our parents, birth order, siblings, extended family, and communities. Too
often we have given others the benefit of the doubt and allowed bad behavior.
To overcome this in ACA we conduct a blameless inventory of ourselves, our
parents, our family, and others. We don't betray our parents, family, or
others, rather the disease, disorder, and dysfunction. We own and grieve our
losses, and let go of rationalizing, minimizing, and denial. We break from our
family script to freedom and choice as actors rather than reactors. Our
recovery is a work in progress so we say; "progress, not perfection".
Through the meetings, the steps,
and other program work, we relearn trust and to be honest about our wants and
needs. We come to recognize raging, intellectualizing, exaggerating,
superiority and inferiority as the emotional addictions they are. Realizing and
admitting "It did happen to me" is an important step. We can't read,
reason, or think our way to wholeness and oneness, it takes years of commitment
and work.
Journaling can be very helpful by
giving each of our deep "inner
selves" an opportunity to speak their mind and heart on paper. This
acknowledges the validity of their experiences, whether it was joy or
suffering. Even ancestors and descendants can be channeled through journaling
as we get in touch with the past and manifest a brighter future. Writing with
the non dominant hand is especially effective as it mimics the inexperience of
our early years and inner child.
"Easy does it" is good advice on the
journey as we get in touch with a loving inner parent and Higher Power and give
ourselves space and time to breathe, relax, rest, and grow. Part of our
dysfunction has been taking things too seriously and forcing things. A light
touch with compassion, kindness, and gentleness towards ourselves and others is
very helpful. Many ACA's "bookend" difficult situations at work,
socially, with family, and otherwise by calling a sponsor, co-sponsor, or ACA
"fellow traveler" before and after the encounter.
"One day at a time" gives the same
sentiment, as we seek to deal with life in manageable pieces, as we can't
possibly handle or fix it all at once however much we would like too. Unfortunately, some coming into recovery have
significant epiphanies and awareness early on and float away on a "pink
cloud" that is often short lived. Please don't let that happen to you, as
you a worth a full recovery.
Over time we realize our Higher
Power is not punishing us for our misgivings (a "getcha God"), rather
a loving Higher Power is always forgiving and willing to give us opportunities
to set things right. Also other people are often, if not always, reacting to
the patterns ingrained in their minds, not to us. We all too often trigger
memories and patterns of people from their past, good or bad. These patterns go
deep into the unconscious so may reach up to influence us from years or decades
past.
"Tomorrow is another
day," "it's never too late to have a happy childhood," and other
sayings also remind us that things are not set in stone, that although
difficult, habits and lives can be changed. We have a Higher power of a million
seconds chances. Life is long and wide, so there is always time and space to
begin again. We can always "reboot" or "push reset".
"First things first"
can mean stabilizing addictions and calming our scattered emotions and thinking
before moving on to difficult and painful trauma work. First things fist also means we are wise to
have a good amount of recovery time, support, and training in before delving
into very difficult issues, as we may uncover powerful memories and emotions we
may not yet be able handle. Inner children, in particular, may have been
suppressing strong rage, sadness, experiences and issues for decades that may
erupt when they feel safe enough to show. We need to have a loving inner parent
ready to gently help our inner child find its way through.
We think "It will never
happen to me", and "I will be different," but it did happen, and
we are doomed to pass on shame, self doubt, and codependency and repeat the
cycle unless we do the hard work to become aware of, and heal the wounds of our
past. Denial holds our disease together like glue. Secrets, ignored feelings,
and chaos live on. Self righteousness, judgment, and pessimism ensue, even from
functional parents. It is a "cunning and baffling" disease that can
fade or takeover at any time.
Living here and now is fundamental.
Through-out our lives we have spent much of our time rethinking our past and
worrying about the future. For this reason we say, "think is our
drink," as like the alcoholic, we addictively self soothe and medicate by spending
too much time in our heads, ignoring our bodies and feelings, and missing the
enjoyment and wonder of the present moment. This is step eleven's "prayer and
meditation," as we use stillness, peace, and the breathe to move from our
heads to our bodies and the present moment.
Through learning and working the
steps, we move from "hurting, to healing, to helping". Another way of
distilling the twelve steps is: 1. We "give up" to Higher Power as we
practice surrender and acceptance. 2. We "speak up," as we identify
and list our defects, defenses, and survival traits as well as honor and
celebrate gifts, skills, strengths and abilities. 3. We "clean up,"
as we admit our defects and defenses to ourselves, our Higher Power, and others
in the amends process. 4. We "follow up," as we continue to practice
these principles in all our affairs. 5. We "step up," as we serve
others in the spirit and practice of all the steps to guide us through our
daily lives passively by example and actively through "the S's," of shares, service, the steps, step studies,
sponsors, sponsoring, and support.
"I can relate" is our
identification with faulty thinking that we can heal or fix our family of
origin either with them directly, or with others we attract later in life. We
identify with each other instead of practicing denial, isolating, hiding,
disconnecting, rescuing, or becoming controlling or overly permissive. We learn
to be real, true, and honest, as well as kind, gentle, and loving.
Don't talk, don't trust, don't
feel and don't look, don't listen, don't heal rules we learned growing up
crushed the very spirit that allows us to thrive. We now learn to break these
rules to at last talk, trust, and feel, look, listen, and heal so that we may
at last mend our broken and wounded souls and live the full, vibrant, and healthy life we all deserve and are found
in the ACA promises.
We come to realize we are more
alike than different, and that we all share a psychic soul rupture that caused
us to look outward and elsewhere for love, affirmation, and safety. This is a
major issue for many of us. This shared "soul sorrow" allows us to
identify with, and have empathy for ourselves and all who suffer. If we focus
on ourselves and work our program we can gradually learn to avoid addictively
filling the laundry list "hole in the soul."
We go through three stages of
recovery: first, we stabilize our addictions and other problematic behaviors by
surrendering to Higher Power. Second, we realize our true selves and grieve our
losses, hurts, and trauma with Higher Powers help. Lastly, we refine our
relationship with Higher Power, ourselves, and others from a spiritual
perspective.
We move from control and conflict
to the patience and persistence that help us heal. Naming our feelings and
issues is cathartic. Just identifying and acknowledging is a big step in
healing. Also healing is much like cleaning a wound (especially if infected, as
so many are). Just like infected and festering physical wounds, it hurts more to
clean and dress these psychic wounds than it would to bind up and ignore them,
but it is the only way to find full health and healing.
We must also remember that we
have often received positive gifts as well; perhaps a good work ethic, humor,
kindness, and other valuable life skills. Despite the damage done, parents have
made many sacrifices for our benefit. Family members, friends, teachers, and
others did what they could to help as well. Gratitude is a powerful healer, we
are wise to use it often through gratitude lists and other means.
We consistently "keep coming
back" to the meetings, literature, sponsors, and retreats to keep our
recovery fresh and ongoing. It is all
too easy to miss meetings, step study meetings, and sponsor check ins. This is
a good reason to take on meeting service commitments, so as to give us good
reasons to make it to every meeting possible.
Until ACA we had a fixation on
our family of origin as we strived endlessly to recreate and at last fix
everyone and everything we so wanted to as a child. We do this through people
in our lives we attract or are attracted to that mirror early family dynamics.
Before recovery and in our early years of recovery when looking for
relationships we find our "picker is broken" so attract the people
least likely to respond favorably to these unconscious desires. For healing we
seek full memory of family roles, dynamics, and childhood events, feelings,
beliefs, and abuses. We move from troubled and dysfunctional to supportive and
loving.
We find we can often endure
intense pain, suffering, and loneliness in our recovery because we had them in
our youth. We seek wholeness as we
incorporate the light and dark in our
past, our selves, and our lives now. We find there is value in it all, the good
and bad. Hitting bottoms can manifest physically, emotionally, financially, and
spiritually in our relationships with ourselves and others. Relapses can occur
as well, but we must not give up! Keep praying and working the program, you are
worth it!
In steps four through ten we make a blameless inventory of ourselves,
family, and others who contributed to our disease and dysfunction, make every
effort to make things right, and continue this process through-out our lives
and affairs. This is a very big part of our recovery, much more than can be
recounted here. We finally take a good long look at how we came to where we are,
where we want to be, and work to get there. This process brings the
forgiveness, clarity, and understanding necessary to overcome our problems.
ACA reminds us that for every defect there is a strength, we are not all
bad! We may end up with a list of defects and strengths we can refer to on a
regular basis to track our progress and slips. Many consider this the most
powerful and healing aspect of recovery, don't miss out!
A short five step overview of the amends process is : 1.
Recognition, regret, and remorse for past wrongs. 2. Refrain, restrain, refuse,
reject, resist, renounce past dysfunctional behaviors and thinking. 3. Resolve,
respond, reconcile through performing amends. 4. Restore, repair, renew,
recover our relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves, others, and our
world. 5. Repeat, reinforce, and rejoice
in our recovery and amends regularly.
It can be very difficult to find co-sponsor fellow traveler "study
buddies" to meet every week for the weeks or months it may take, but it is
more than worth it. Put the word out at meetings over and over or ask safe
people until the magic and miracle comes. Some work the steps with a large
group, others one on one. Some meet in person, others over the phone or on the
internet. There are many step study workbooks to use, also much information on
twelve step study in "big books".
We have been dissociating from
our feelings through denial, repression, projection rationalization,
addictions, fear and excitement. Living with fear and doubt we didn't have a
chance to learn strength and confidence. But although we didn't choose the home
of our youth, we can now choose how we will live. We can now create a positive
home and environment that allows the security, confidence, and self esteem we
didn't get growing up. By finding and loving our inner child, we heal our
shattered selves to become whole again and gain the serenity we have prayed
for.
As we grow in recovery, we go from
bad years, down to bad months, to bad weeks, to bad days, hours, or moments. We
will still have slips, and we may still fall, but not as fast, and not as far.
We have learned to dust ourselves off, get back up again, and get on with life.
We go from merely surviving to actually thriving. We refuse to let bad moments
ruin our day, week, year, or life.
From our dysfunction we have
found how to be fully functioning, from our disease we have learned healing and
well being, and from our insanity we have found physical, mental, and emotional
sanity and sobriety. We can now enjoy a full range of great happiness and joys,
as well as deep sadness and sorrows like never before, but we don't let
ourselves be carried away by them or turn bitter and ugly.
And don't forget, inner kids want
to have fun! It is time for your inner child to laugh and play through games,
drawing with chalk, pencils, or crayons, flying kites, swimming, playing games,
and with toys, sports, nature, dancing, singing, friendships, and many other
ways. Remember to keep your loving inner parent near and ready to kiss, hug,
squeeze, nurture, guide, cherish, soothe, affirm, comfort, support, and love.
Find your True Self that is the combination of
all of the aspects of yourself as a happy, healthy, whole, and complete person.
Most of all, find a loving Higher Power through journaling, prayer, meditation
and other ways that stands ready to care for you and help you live the
wonderful, amazing, and awesome life you truly deserve.
We at last find the freedom,
trust, and support that creates a sense of aliveness, transformation, and
thriving. We are home now! It is time to own our truth, grieve our losses, and
be accountable. Recovery is not fast, easy, or painless as tears, anger, and
sadness are normal and natural. We can't do it alone, but we can do it together. We can validate
ourselves and find our self worth. We can be honest, open, and kind with
ourselves and others.
Like a small seed that has grown
to a tall and strong tree, then comes to bloom in flower and fruit, we too
become ready to manifest our brightest and best selves. And like an egg that
becomes a ravenous caterpillar, then undergoes an amazing transformation and
emerge from its cocoon as a beautiful butterfly, we too become ready to fly
free to find beauty and taste the sweet nectars of life. "It works if you
work it, and you're worth it"!
Copyrights 11/17