Odd title for a story, but
sometimes it is good to get all fired up and go for it with all the gusto and passion we
can muster. If you have been to a Twelve Step Recovery meeting you know everyone has the
opportunity to share their experience, strength and hope. We try to share what
is most powerful, deep, and personal in the knowledge that others will relate. Considering the length of this one, we obviously tried to fit a lot in, but it does reflect a large part of what recovery is about, so please read on.
Fortunate children got lots of
support and guidance growing up building skills in relationships, education,
economics, sexuality, spirituality, art, music, self care, and many others.
These kids often grow up to have wonderful, amazing, and satisfying lives, and
may continue to receive valuable assistance, support, and advantages from
family, friends, and others through-out their lives. The lucky ones hopes and dreams are realized in many
ways.
But what about the others who didn't
get much help? The dis-advantaged whose needs were instead neglected in many
ways? The arc of their lives takes a much lower trajectory as they navigate
life on limited training, and support. The lack of help also results in a
nagging often unconscious lack of self esteem that dogs them as years roll by.
Something is missing for them, something
vitally important. These kids didn't get all of the attention, acceptance,
affirmation, affection, and appreciation a child needs for their lives to
really blossom and bloom.
And what of those who were actively
abused in all the ways that the fortunate ones were mentored? Areas such as
relationships, education, economics, sexuality, spirituality and all the
others? All the skills and tools the lucky ones received, were often not just missing,
lost, and broken for these unfortunate ones, but actively and serially wrecked
and ruined in many ways. Many of these children grew up in a battlefield, war
zone, or rat-race as refugees, slaves, or prisoners in a living hell that
haunts them and replays in the back of their minds throughout their lives.
Most of us are somewhere in the
middle, as we received some of the things we needed, but not others, so the arc
of our lives have many highs and lows. To truly grow and heal we must face many
difficult truths.
We
were born pure and perfect but suffered from chronic generational dysfunction
as fear, abuse, shame, abandonment and loss in mind, body, and soul. We came to
know addiction, depression, panic, post traumatic stress, dissociation,
codependency, obsession, and compulsion intimately. We also came to fear
authority figures, judge ourselves and others harshly, confuse love and pity,
and hook up with other similar people. Our character defects, defenses, and
survival traits continue to be problematic throughout our lives unless we find
recovery.
Growing up in
dysfunctional homes our inner child and True Self went into hiding. A false
self developed and took over with many defense mechanisms and coping and
survival skills to deal with the abuses. Our hearts growth and life was
stunted, had walls built around them, or seemingly died. Others hearts became
frozen or hard as stone due to the neglect and abuse. We bandaged up our wounds
and took up armor, weapons, and masks to hide our pain and suffering and
protect ourselves from further attacks.
Where did we run to
when we were frightened and confused? Home? But what if home was difficult or
abusive? We yearned for healthy limits and safety but instead learned from
neglectful and abusive parent or others to go it alone in excessive self
dependence, or give up our needs to others co-dependently.
The pressure of abuses
squeezed us like a tube of toothpaste. This pressure tends to collect in our
bodies and squeezes the life out of us, in essence out of our bodies and into
our heads. Having lost touch with our bodies we become addicted to thinking and
try to reason our way through everything. Higher Power is at our center and
source, usually as a gut feeling or intuition, so is left behind. Our inner
child, our emotional and feeling side is felt in our heart, so moves out of
reach. As such we lost our two best friends; our inner child and Higher Power.
The inner child is
naturally joyful, spontaneous, vulnerable, sensitive, and authentic, and needs
to feel loved, valued, and safe. Over time the lack of love and care or
outright abuses caused us to unconsciously adopt character defects, defenses,
roles, and survival traits. We return to rescue and revive this precious child through
our attention, affection, appreciation, acceptance, and affirmation.
Children often pick up
labels such as momma's boy, daddy's girl, or teacher's pet. Some are negatively
labeled as problem or bad boy or girl, lost child, scapegoat, loser, shy one,
sickly one, fat one, clown, and so on. Others got seemingly positive yet at
times anxiety provoking and limiting labels such as the star, super student,
prince or princess, athlete, little man or woman (who didn't get to be a kid),
and so on.
Lack of interest and
attention is abuse as well, in a word, indifference. This creates a hole in our
soul we desperately try to fill in many ways. Neglect is withholding the true
praise necessary to feel valued and safe. Silence is used to hurt, demonize and
deny. Often the victim ends up apologizing. The abuse is internalized as we
create an inner critic or abuser, always ready to jump in to criticize and
berate from within.
Harsh, critical,
negative parenting often comes under the disguise of loving care as we were
criticized and made to feel inferior and defective as a way to spur us on and
submit to their ideas of what we should do and be. We endured blame, shame, and
other abuses on a regular basis until it seemed normal. Repeating this pattern we
eventually internalized the behavior and turned it on ourselves and others.
Many children are made
to be an accessory to parents seeking to fulfill an idealistic image of the
perfect home and family. Some felt as if they were never heard, never could
relax, or have joy and fun. Oppressive fear leads to oppressive control. The
manipulation and enabling attract ever more sick people and situations into our
lives in reaction to the neglect and abuses we endured.
We thought we were
responsible for parents, siblings, and others unhappiness and problems and
often mistook control and manipulation for a real relationship. Many became
bullies, perpetrators, and persecutors in a sad and sick effort to get even for
past abuses. Others inherit perfectionism trying to avoid rejection and
abandonment. We fear ever making a mistake or believe we are always wrong and
never good enough. Dysfunction in youth leads to addictive work, sex, spending,
eating, drinking, drugging, relationships and other impulsive behaviors.
The Twelve Step
recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous came into being to address the problem
of alcohol addiction and the great suffering it caused for so many people.
Without AA they had little hope, so saw a future ending in either the hospital,
jail, or cemetery. This led to many also very powerful and successful recovery
programs the focus of which here is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional
Families (ACA).
Common ACA family types
are; Alcoholic, mentally ill, hypochondriacs, ritualistic, harsh, secretive,
ultra religious, militaristic, sadistic, sexually inappropriate or otherwise
abusive. Also perfectionist, shaming, conditional praise, divorced, and addictive.
Overcoming the influences of our dysfunctional family of origin issues and
creating a loving, caring, and supportive family of choice is critical.
As devastating as it is
to lose our inner child, we also lose our connection with the infinite power,
presence, and wisdom of the universe that is our Higher Power. Whether we call
it the Over Soul, Great Spirit, God, or simply The Force doesn't matter, as
long as we make the call. For here is the source of all good things such as love,
peace, joy, beauty, and, as well as our connection to all others, all life, and
all creation.
Quite a loss indeed,
and ultimately important that we recover this relationship that is the essence
of our deepest self. Early on A.A. found that those with a spiritual focus were
twice as likely to recover, for this reason ACA makes no apologies that:
"It is a spiritual program based on action coming from love." We find
this focus and a loving Higher Power through nature, journaling, prayer,
meditation and many other ways.
What is recovery? It is
defined as returning to a complete state of health and wholeness, and recovering
what was lost or stolen, as there's just no way to be healthy and whole without
taking care of our inner child, and with a loving Higher Power and inner parent
taking care of us. We need to feel this as intimate conscious connection
through-out our days and our lives. This is our hope and our goal. We move from
control and conflict to the patience and persistence that help us move forward.
We find naming, feeling, and sharing our deepest selves freeing and healing.
This means looking
where fears, misperceptions, and distorted thinking has taken us, and caused
isolation, victim hood, low self esteem, and judging ourselves and others
mercilessly. We needed help, honesty, and acceptance but instead led lives of
quiet desperation in fear of people, finances, bosses, police, health,
disasters and impending doom. We felt unsafe and unloved, ashamed and
abandoned.
We learn it is a
generational disease, as we took on guilt and blame from generations past. As
such we find a good measure of forgiveness when we recognize our family and
others were simply playing out their own dysfunctional heritage. This helps us
find compassion for the pain and suffering they have been carrying through-out
their lives. The abuses, abandonment, and indifference left deep but hidden scars.
The signs are addiction, codependency, fears, despair, anxiety, panic, and post
traumatic stress disorders.
We are in fact doomed to
pass on shame, self doubt, and codependency to our own children, family, and
friends to repeat the cycle unless we do the hard work to become aware of and
heal the wounds of our past. Secrets and denial hold our disease together like
glue, so that self righteousness, judgment, and pessimism ensue. Ignored
feelings, doubts, and chaos live on inside yet will surface under pressure and
pain, or other situations that feel like past events, even joyful ones.
We learned
helplessness, all or nothing thinking, passive aggressiveness, rage, and self
doubt. In reaction we cycle through the victim triangle of victim, abuser, and
rescuer. Incidents and abandonments have been denied or ignored until we didn't
know what was real. This accumulated disease, dysfunction, and insanity came
from parents, siblings, extended family, cultures, communities, and other
sources.
Some have blatant
issues of depression, addiction and other issues. Many appear highly functional
and successful but lack true intimacy and happiness. Like Michael Jackson,
Robin Williams, Prince and many others, we learned to compensate or hide
problems as best as we could, and as long as we could. The blocked energy
manifests through addictions, illness, and other ways.
In recovery we come to realize that
we often continue to seek out people and situations that mirror our original
upbringing in a unconscious and dysfunctional attempt to heal our early wounds.
Even worse, we seek out the people and situations least likely to achieve this
powerful but unseen desire.
We come to recognize
raging, intellectualizing, exaggerating, and feeling inferior or superior as
the emotional addictions they really are. Realizing, admitting, and accepting "It
did happen to me" is a first step. We can't read, reason, or think our way
to wholeness, it takes surrender to a Higher Power and learning to trust and talk
with others who understand and are supportive and safe.
"Easy does
it" is good advice on the journey as we get in touch with a loving inner
parent and Higher Power and give ourselves space and time to at last really
have compassion and care for ourselves. "First things first," means
calming our often raging emotions and thinking, and stabilizing addictions through
prayer, meditation, and sharing with safe people before moving on to difficult
and painful trauma work.
The power of the
program was realized in Alcoholics Anonymous as no one can really understand
and relate to a child of alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional family like
someone who has been there and done that for years, perhaps decades or a
lifetime. This connection and empathy for each other is the key to finding the
courage and strength to at last share ourselves and our pain and suffering at
the deepest levels.
We come to realize we
are more alike than different, and that we all share a soul rupture that causes
us to look outward and elsewhere for love, affirmation, and safety. This is a
major issue for many of us. This shared "soul sorrow" allows us to
identify with and have empathy for each other and all who suffer. We focus on
ourselves and work on our tendency to use whatever we can to addictively fill
the laundry list "hole in the soul."
There is nothing like
hitting bottom to motivate the action that produces lasting change. Otherwise
we live in a hole we keep hiding in and digging deeper and deeper, knee deep or
drowning in piss, shit, and vomit until we hit rock bottom, look up, and start
to dig our way out. This "rock" is a Higher Power of our own
understanding, and can mean others in the program, the wisdom of the teachings,
or anything that allows us to let go of our claustrophobic feeling of being
lost and alone to work our program, connect with others and the infinite power,
presence, and wisdom of life and the universe.
We use a variety of
addictions to harm ourselves. Self abandonment flourishes until we eventually
collapse spent and bewildered. By not recognizing bottoms we try fool ourselves
and others that everything is fine. Denial runs rampant as we isolate,
manipulate, and act out through addictions and other self soothing behaviors.
Some coming into recovery have significant epiphanies and awareness early on so
"float away on a pink cloud" that is often short lived, so this is
why we like to say keep coming back!
Our primary addiction
to self harm may develop into secondary addictions (eating, shopping, sleeping,
etc.) to deal with the pain. The misery may even feel like a high at times as
the pain becomes intense, especially if we over-identify with our dysfunctions gleefully
telling and retelling our victim story. We come into program "the walking
wounded," claiming to be fine. We shut down our connection to our body,
feelings, and emotions in an attempt to cover up our bottoms and relapses with
addictions and other behaviors. This only prolongs our suffering.
Our disease and self
become invisible. We survive life but don't enjoy it. Resilience,
determination, and acceptance are necessary
and admirable, but we must not use them to allow abuse in our lives. We deserve
better! We must "peel the onion"
or suffocate in our disease. Like peeling an onion, it gets thicker and juicier
the deeper we go, and there are more tears, yet if we "cook" the
onion, it adds richness and flavor to our lives. We must seek help. we can't go
it alone. It isn't going to be easy, quick, or painless, but it is
worth it, you are worth it, and your family and friends, such as they are, are
worth it! Life does get much better.
The family dynamics of
wonder or wounded inner child, loving or critical inner parent, loving or
judgmental Higher Power, and a false or
True self are emphasized the ACA program. Rather than physical beings having a
spiritual experience, we find we are spiritual beings having a physical
experience. We learn to live from the inside out rather than be tossed around
by worldly concerns outside in. Our world has also been turned upside down by
childhood dysfunction, but through recovery we get that turned around as well.
Codependancy is a
symptom of our plight because we tended to put others first in an attempt to
feel safe and loved. We put ourselves second, and worse yet our inner child and
Higher Powers connection to all life and others and the peace, love, joy, and beauty
of the universe last. We now turn the direction of our lives to Higher Power
first, care for ourselves second, and then others. We must get this straight
before we can have any hope of helping others effectively.
Counseling, medication,
and behavior modification can only go so far, as Higher Power makes all the
difference in the end. God's will, not ours. This is supported through our
acknowledgment of wounded inner child, critical inner parent, and condemning
Higher Power (false self), and our inner wonder child, loving inner parent, and
loving Higher Power (True Self). Many find religion difficult, spirituality
easier. The new found freedom can feel frightening as well as exciting and
liberating.
We own our losses, let
go of rationalizing, minimizing, and denial and instead look into our
dysfunctional thinking and behavior We now identify with each other rather than
isolate, hide, disconnect, rescue, or become controlling or overly permissive. Being
open and honest about our past doesn't betray our parents or others, rather the
disease, disorder, and dysfunction. This is how we reconcile our frustration
and anger towards others, as they were pawns in this sick, sad and
dysfunctional drama just as we were. We may hate the dis-ease and dysfunction,
but we try our best to love ourselves and others.
Moving from the prison
of isolation is fundamental. Whether we fought, froze, or fled it was usually
alone. It is time to reconnect with safe persons and communities and talk,
trust, feel, and look, listen, and heal. We can't do it alone, therefore living
in healthy community is fundamental. As we look into our habitual thinking and
behavior we can let go of the dysfunctional baggage that has been dragging us
down for months, years, or decades.
Accepting powerlessness
over our past dysfunction is pivotal in recovery. Yet we do have power. All the
power of creation as accessed through the greater good and higher law that is
our Higher Power. It is not our power, but if we make a strong connection to
this center and source it comes to us, and through us to benefit the world in magical
and miraculous ways through-out our days.
ACA supports newcomers
facing denial, and comforts those grieving lost security, trust, and love. We recognize
and feel the despair, anger, guilt, rage and grief in order to move on. Lastly
we create a safe space to reparent our vulnerable, sensitive, wounded inner
child with gentleness, love, humor and respect. We find the sickness and
sadness of the past can pass like storms and the seasons, from a dark winter of
discontent to a springtime of new life, a summer of abundance, and fall of bountiful
harvest.
Most of us have
received positive gifts also, such as a good work ethic, humor, kindness, and
many other life skills. And despite the damage done, most parents have made
many sacrifices for our benefit. We are wise to find good things to recall as
well. For healing we seek full memory of childhood events, feelings, beliefs,
and abuses as well as gifts received. Through the meetings, the steps, and
other program work, we relearn trust and honesty about our wants and needs.
We now find our true
home. It is time to own our truth, grieve our losses, and be accountable. It's
not fast, easy, or painless but it is worth it, and we are worth it! There will
be tears, anger, and sadness. We must validate ourselves, find our self worth,
and be honest, open, and kind with ourselves and others. For many it is the
stories we and others tell that at last creates the tremendous compassion and
love that melts a frozen heart, breaks a heart of stone, tears down the walls
around an imprisoned heart, and brings a deadened hart back to life and love.
We now find our True
Self which is the synthesis of all the aspects of ourselves through inner
wounded or wonder child, critical or loving inner parent, and condemning or
loving, caring Higher Power. This is the happy, healthy, and whole person that
is our birthright and who we were intended to be. We at last become real, true,
and authentic again, as we break from our family script to freedom and choice
as actors rather than reactors.
We go through three
stages of recovery: first, we stabilize our addictions and other problematic
behaviors, second, we realize our True Self and grieve our losses, hurts, and
trauma, and third, we refine our relationship with our Higher Power, ourselves,
and others from a healthy spiritual perspective. We now move from troubled and
dysfunctional to supportive and loving.
We find we can often
endure intense pain, suffering, and loneliness in our recovery because we had
them in our youth. Don't give up! Keep meditating, praying, and working the
program! We seek wholeness as we incorporate the light and dark in our past,
our selves, and our lives now. We find there is value in it all, good and the
bad. Bottoms can still manifest physically, emotionally, financially, and
spiritually in our relationships with ourselves and others. Relapses can occur
as well, but we must not give up! The wounds and scars may never heal
completely, but like mended bones we come out stronger.
It is time to own our
truth, grieve our losses, and be accountable. It's not fast, easy, or painless
but it is worth it. There will be tears, anger, and sadness. We can't do it
alone, we must talk, trust, feel, as well as look and listen to heal. We must
validate ourselves and find our self worth. We must be honest, open, and kind
with ourselves and others and remember to play and have fun!
We "give up" to Higher Power as we
practice surrender and acceptance. We
"meet up" with Higher Power in prayer and meditation, and with our
fellows in meetings, steps studies,
fellowship, outreach calls, sponsor or co-sponsoring, conferences,
retreats, etc to break the grip of isolation, secrecy, and denial. We "own
up" and "speak up," as we identify and list our defects,
defenses, and survival traits as well as honor and celebrate gifts, skills,
strengths and abilities.
We "clean up" and "grow up" as
we admit our defects and defenses to ourselves, our Higher Power, and others
and make amends wherever possible. We
"follow up," as we continue to practice these principles in all our
affairs. We "listen up" in conscious contact with our Higher
Power. We "step up," as we
serve others in the spirit and practice of all the steps to guide us through our
daily lives.
A positive home and
environment allows the security, confidence, and self esteem we didn't get
growing up. We have been dissociating from our feelings through repression,
projection, rationalizations. addictions, and excitement. Living with fear and
doubt we didn't have a chance to learn strength and confidence.
Although we didn't
choose the home of our youth, we can now choose how we want to live. By finding
and loving our lost inner child, and creating a loving and caring inner parent
and Higher Power we heal our shattered selves to become whole again and gain
the love and serenity we yearned for, need, and deserve. Through learning and
working the steps, we move from "hurting, to healing, to helping". We
at last find the freedom and emotional sobriety that creates transformation,
trust, and thriving.
Copyright
12/2017