We were born perfect,
and if fortunate, came to see and feel unconditional love in the arms and eyes
of a caring mother and father, family, extended family, friends, culture and
society. Unfortunately, and all too often as ACA's, we came to suffer from
chronic generational dysfunction through denial, fear, abuse, shame,
abandonment, and loss. Our disease and self became invisible. We come to feel
damaged and broken, less than others and unworthy, surviving life but not
enjoying it.
Wounded
Child: Due to family and other dysfunctional persons and
situations, our "wonder child" was forced into hiding to avoid the
pain and suffering of being neglected or attacked and abused when vulnerable,
sensitive, and authentic. A "wounded child" arose and took over. This
disconnection from ourselves, others, and inevitably our Higher Power, create a
spiritual and psychic split that often lead to an empty and lonely life of fear
and despair.
This led to a
"hole in our soul" we have desperately tried to fill in many
dysfunctional and addictive ways. If we rebelled, the negative reaction and
energy may have increased dramatically to again force us into submission. As
children we yearned for love, healthy control and safety, but instead learned
excessive control, self dependence, and co-dependence.
Those not overtly
abused may have been neglected physically, emotionally, spiritually, and other
ways. Neglect is also abuse, often manifested by withholding the praise and
cherishing necessary to feel loved, valued, and safe. Silence is used to hurt,
demonize and deny. Dysfunction in youth leads to addictive work, sex, spending,
eating, drinking, drugging, relationships, and other problems.
We came to know
dependency (addiction), depression, panic disorder, post traumatic stress
disorder, dissociation, codependency, obsession, and compulsion intimately. We
often fear authority figures, judge ourselves and others harshly, confuse love
and pity, and hook up with other addictive and sick personalities. Some have obvious
and oppressive depression, addiction, and other issues. The sad fact is we are
doomed to repeat this hopeless dysfunctional cycle until we access and embrace
our truth through recovery, therapy, community, and friends.
We came to believe we
were responsible for the unhappiness and problems of our parents, family, and
others. We mistook control and manipulation for a relationship. We often became
bullies, perpetrators, and persecutors dominating, controlling, and abusing
others to somehow even the score in our sick and twisted thinking. We needed
help, honesty, and acceptance, but instead received neglect abuse, falsity,
denial and disapproval.
We have shut down our
connection to our past as well as our bodies, feelings, and emotions. This is manifested through the inner child
and at times the pain and suffering are too much for us to bear. To avoid this
pain we run and hide from our inner child or push down it and it lock away. We
may have been avoiding our inner child for decades. This situation is particularly
harmful to us as our inner child holds the emotional, physical, and spiritual
side, from the heart, and not the head. Our inner child is our heart, and our
connection to something even deeper at our center, our very essence.
We often were labeled
with roles in the family or society as the problem or bad boy or girl, lost
child, scapegoat, loser, shy one, sickly one, fat one, clown, and so on. Other
children were labeled as the star, super student, prince or princess, athlete,
little man or woman (who didn't get to be a kid), and so on. Like so many other
aspects of our youth, we took these on as our identity and often exaggerated
and furthered the role play in the eyes of ourselves and others throughout our
lives.
Inner
Parent: Unspoken and rigid rules of "don't talk, don't
trust, don't feel and don't look, don't listen, don't heal," came into
being and were strictly enforced silently or overtly. The abuses and
dysfunctions of our youth were often so common that we thought them to be normal
and okay. The abuse was internalized as we unconsciously created an inner
abuser and critic, ever ready and willing to chime in to criticize, belittle,
and berate from within.
This can become a
default, or set point that we go back to instinctively, automatically until we
believe it to be our true self. The mask of negativity seems to become our
face, and our bodies clothed in protective bandages and armor head to toe.
Unconsciously adopted character defects, defenses, roles, and survival traits
continue to be problematic throughout our lives.
Where did we run to
when things got scary? to our home? But what if home was lifeless or hell
itself? Most often our family of origin is the source of our dysfunction, but
even brief encounters with others can leave life-long secret scars. We were
forced to adopt defenses and coping behaviors to feel safe and have some
measure of control. Common ACA family types are: alcoholic, mentally ill,
hypochondriacs, ritualistic, harsh, secretive, ultra religious, militaristic,
sadistic, sexually inappropriate or abusive, perfectionist, shaming,
conditional praise, divorced, and addictive.
The abuse may have been
physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual, financial, verbal and non verbal. The
signs are addiction, codependency, phobias, despair, worry, inferiority,
anxiety and panic. It is a generational disease, as we took on guilt and blame
from generations past. This realization helps us forgive ourselves and others
that handed down the problems they were given. The hitting, threats, and
indifference leave hidden but deep scars.
False
Self: We felt bewildered and bereft fulfilling these
inauthentic illusory roles, living out our lives through a false self. These
roles became an entity unto themselves
and took on a life of their own. Again the mask seemed to become our true face.
Others did the same so that many exchanges were in fact one false role
interacting with another. No wonder our relationships became mired in problems.
Higher
Power: Our inner child is our heart, and our connection to
something even deeper at our center, our very essence, Higher Power. We can
think about God all day long but nothing matches a felt experience. Without the
inner child, we won't truly and deeply experience God's love and life. We must
go through the inner child, from the head, to heart, to center. Inner child
also is the reservoir of the pain, hurt, and suffering we carry. We go to the
inner child and then together take it to Higher Power for healing and
transformation.
ACA makes no apologies
that: "It is a spiritual program based on action coming from love."
The reason is, the false self cannot relate to, know, or experience Higher
Power. Only True Self and in particular inner child can - from the heart.
Counseling, medication, and behavior modification can only go so far, Higher
Power makes all the difference in the end. God's will, not ours, as we
"let go and let God." Early on the Alcoholics Anonymous program found
that those with a spiritual focus were twice as likely to stay sober.
The emphasis on family
dynamics, and looking at family of origin patterns through inner child, parent,
and Higher Power are an essential key to our recovery. This means looking where
fears, misperceptions, and distorted thinking came from and caused isolation,
victimhood, low self esteem, and judging ourselves and others harshly and
mercilessly.
Our wounded and false
self may have been "driving the bus" for most of our lives, but we
can move our learned character defects, defenses, and survival traits out of
the driver's seat to put our Higher Power there, as we become worthy co-pilots. Keep in mind that
each row of in that "bus" has two seats side by side. One for the
"bad/negative/dark" aspect, and another for the
"good/positive/light" aspect. Yet there is energy, power, and
usefulness in each, and both valuable and necessary for a full and complete
life.
We had become experts
at coping and dysfunction to deal with difficult people and situations, now we
can become experts at healing and thriving through Higher Power, wonder child,
loving inner parent, and our True Self. We have been sick and twisted on one
hand, but the perfect self and basic goodness was always there buried deep
within.
Through the meetings,
the steps, and other program work, we relearn trust and how to be honest about
our wants and needs. We come to recognize raging, intellectualizing,
exaggerating, superiority and inferiority as the emotional addictions they are.
Realizing and admitting "It did happen to me" is the first step. We
can't read, reason, or think our way to wholeness and oneness in isolation, it
takes years of community, commitment, and work.
Through learning and
working the steps, we move from "hurting, to healing, to helping".
Another way of distilling the twelve steps is: We "give up" and
"listen up" to Higher Power as
we practice surrender and acceptance through prayer and meditation. We "stand up" and "speak up"
as we identify and list our defects, defenses, and survival traits as well as
honor and celebrate gifts, skills, strengths and abilities. We "meet
up," "clean up," and "grow up" as we admit our defects
and defenses to ourselves, our Higher Power, and others in the amends process.
We "follow
up," as we continue to practice these principles in all our affairs. We
"step up," as we serve others in the spirit and practice of all the
steps to guide us through our daily lives passively by example and actively
through "the five S's," shares, service, the steps (and step
studies), sponsors/sponsoring, and support (ourselves and others).
Don't talk, don't
trust, don't feel and don't look, don't listen, don't heal rules we learned
growing up crushed the very spirit that allows us to thrive. We now learn to
break these rules to at last talk, trust, and feel, look, listen, and heal so that
we may at last mend our broken and wounded souls and live the full,
vibrant, and healthy life we all deserve
and are found in the ACA promises.
We go through three
stages of recovery: first, we stabilize our addictions and other problematic
behaviors by surrendering to Higher Power. Second, we realize our True Selves
and grieve our losses, hurts, and trauma with Higher Powers help. Lastly, we
refine our relationship with Higher Power, ourselves, and others from a
spiritual perspective. We move from control and conflict to the patience and
persistence that help us heal. Naming our feelings and issues is cathartic.
Just identifying and acknowledging is a big step in healing.
We find we can often
endure intense pain, suffering, and loneliness in our recovery because we had
them in our youth. We seek wholeness as
we incorporate the light and dark in our
past, our selves, and our lives now. We find there is value in it all, the good
and bad.
We have been
dissociating from our feelings through denial, repression, projection
rationalization, addictions, fear and excitement. Living with fear and doubt we
didn't have a chance to learn strength and confidence. Although we didn't
choose the home of our youth, we can now choose how we will live. We can now
create a positive home and environment that allows the security, confidence,
and self esteem we didn't get growing up.
As we grow in recovery,
we go from bad years, down to bad months, to bad weeks, to bad days or moments.
We will still have slips, and we may still fall, but not as fast, and not as
far. We have learned to dust ourselves off, get back up again, and get on with
life. We go from merely surviving to actually thriving. We refuse to let bad
moments ruin our day, week, year, or life.
From our dysfunction we
have found how to be fully functioning, from our disease we have learned
healing and well being, and from our insanity we have found physical, mental,
and emotional sanity and sobriety. We can now enjoy a full range of great
happiness and joys, as well as deep sadness and sorrows like never before, but
don't let ourselves be carried away by them or turn bitter and ugly.
By finding and loving
our inner child, we heal our shattered selves to become whole again and gain
the serenity we have prayed for. Don't forget, inner kids want to have fun! It
is time for your inner child to laugh and play through games, drawing with
chalk, pencils, or crayons, flying kites, swimming, playing games and with
toys, sports, nature, dancing, singing, friendships, and many other ways.
Remember to keep your
loving inner parent near and ready to kiss, hug, squeeze, nurture, guide,
cherish, soothe, affirm, comfort, support, and love. Also a kind and loving
Higher Power through journaling, prayer, meditation that stands ready to care
for you and help you live the wonderful, amazing, and awesome life you truly
deserve. Lastly find or create the True Self that is the combination of all of
these aspects of yourself as a happy, healthy, whole, and complete person.
We at last find the
freedom, trust, and support that creates a sense of aliveness, transformation,
and thriving. We are home now! It is time to own our truth, grieve our losses,
and be accountable. Recovery is not fast, easy, or painless as tears, anger,
and sadness are normal and natural. We can't do it alone, but we can do it together. We can validate ourselves and
find our self worth. We can be honest, open, and kind with ourselves and
others.
Like a small seed that
has grown to a tall and strong tree, then comes to bloom in flower and fruit,
we too become ready to manifest our brightest and best selves. And like an egg
that becomes a caterpillar, then undergoes an amazing transformation and emerges
from its cocoon as a beautiful butterfly, we too become ready to fly free to
find beauty and taste the sweet nectars of life. "It works if you work it,
and you're worth it"!
Copyright
11/2017