In
the Beginning Everyone was
born pure and perfect, a beautiful, wonderful, and innocent child. Perfect love,
peace, joy, beauty, oneness, wholeness, and holiness resided within you at your
deepest center and source, a great stillness and peace (and still does!). (The
spectrum and extremes)
The
Lucky Ones The lucky ones
were able to scream and cry in stores, draw on walls, bite their siblings, and
do all the things a normal kid does, and still receive 100% understanding, kindness,
patience, and love from their parents. They felt loved, were fully functional,
happy, balanced, healthy, and successful.
The
Not So Lucky Ones – (Shit Happened/Dysfunction/The
Squeeze/Storms) Perhaps our family were immigrants, poor, moved a lot, experienced
divorce, sickness, loss, addiction, or death. Our parents or other family
members may have responded to these pressures with neglect, abuse, trauma, and
mental issues like autism, depression, or rage. Also, we were forced to conform
and comply too early and too much to these pressures and our parent’s agendas.
The
heart froze, petrified, broke, shattered, clenched, went dark. We moved out of bodies
into our head. We put on armor and masks (persona/painted on smile or dead face)
and took up shield to defend ourselves - coping strategies, survival skills, defense
mechanisms. We didn’t get the love I needed.
What
caused the winds and waves of our lives to whip up such a fury? A Wikipedia post on dysfunctional families
lists nearly universal features of lack of empathy understanding and sensitivity
in the family. Denial by refusing to acknowledge abuse, even believing it is
normal or beneficial. Poor or no verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual
boundaries. Extremes conflicts with either too much fighting or no peaceful
arguing. The Wiki is an eye-opening description worth investigating.
The
first 7 years we are in Theta brainwave state which is highly suggestive like
hypnosis. Dr. Bruce Lipton says that 95% of life is subconscious
programming. It isn't interested in our conscious desires, so it
sabotages them. The remaining 5% is creative. This is the realm of
authenticity, agency, and true desires. "Give me a child for the first 7
years and I will show you the man" (Jesuits). Unfortunately, Dr.
Lipton also says 70% of the subconscious awareness is negative, disempowering,
and self-defeating. Even when we're simply in our heads thinking about
past, future, or problems we go on auto pilot and the subconscious takes
over.
Fight/Flight/Persona Some fought, some ran, and some gave in, all
at once or a little at a time. Sometimes it was obvious with anger and acting
out, but often it was hidden inside, behind the masks, armor, and shields with
isolation, depression, and addictions. These, and our survival techniques, coping
skills, and defense mechanisms became so familiar and comfortable that we came
to believe that that was how the world is and who we really are.
The
Middle Children Most folks are
somewhere in the middle, as we have had our share of pain and suffering, as
well as joy and well-being.
Life
Happened Childhood, home life, school, adolescence,
teen age years, young adulthood, work, dating, marriage, children, mortgages. Living
the dream or maybe the nightmare and train wreck, or something in between with a
lot of both. Maybe hit bottom or bottoms. We struggled to survive when we
should have been thriving.
The
Truth/Refuge And yet the
deepest part of you is like the ocean when storms come and rage on the surface.
The wind and waves are the drama and dysfunction of life that rise and fall and
come and go. Also like the winds and debris spinning around in a hurricane,
destroying everything in their path, yet the eye of the storm is calm and quiet.
Your center, and source is still there,
and accessible through prayer and meditation, healing communities, and wise
guidance from counselors and loving friends and family.
Give
up, give in, and rest in your center and source, so you can start to live, really
live again, with love for yourself and others, from the inside out. It’s
that simple, but it’s not going to be fast, easy, or painless, in fact it’s
damn hard work, but you are worth it. You, as much as anybody in the universe,
deserve love and affection. Your family, friends, all humanity, and life need
you to be your true and wonderful self that is always waiting for you within.
Get
Help Find and use wise and safe
counselors, communities, family, and friends (fellow travelers). Use prayer and
meditation to get out of your head and back into your body and heart and in
touch with your wounded child, angry teen, critical parent to see how they were
hurt and how to help them heal. Find and use your inner wonder child, joyous
teen, and loving inner parent. And if you have a judgmental and condemning
Higher Power, get in touch with your loving one.
Do
the work Do the step study, as many times as
it takes. Make the calls to your fellow traveler who are doing better than you to
help you, and those doing worse than you to help them. Find the light, warmth,
kindness, and compassion within yourself and in the world and share it with your
family and friends, your fellow travelers. Let the love melt your frozen heart,
soften your heart of stone, pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and put
them back together again, relax and open the white knuckles of your clenched
fist heart and let life and warmth flow back in. Find the light fellowship for
your dark and lonely heart, and reach out to others who are hurting.
Plant
the Seeds of a loving, fully functioning, and
large life, pull the weeds of dysfunction, fertilize, water, and nurture the
buds, blossoms, and blooms of unconditional self-love, in order to reap the
full fruition and harvest of a flourishing and functional life.
Recovery
Tools How can we access our calm, pure, and
perfect center and source? Classical teachings tell us we can get out of our
heads and the constant compulsive and habitual narrative going on in our heads to
come back to our bodies, emotions, and feelings. A short and simple mantra or
focus on a simple object can serve to ground and still us. Another good method
for this is focus on the breath or a combination of these, such as “rest” on
the in-breath, and “ing” on the out-breath. As we follow the rise and fall, we
may note what other sensations and feelings are there. Not to judge or deny
them, but to accept and embrace them with kindness and understanding. Good or
bad, pleasant or unpleasant, it is all part of us, so worthy of our attention
and compassion.
Awakening/Enlightenment (gradual and sudden) Gradual awakening gets
done by doing the hard work over and over until it becomes a subconscious
habit. Sudden awakening is like falling in love at first sight. We feel like we
were half now we're whole. Unfortunately, honeymoons don't last forever.
You could say there is an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other but it
seems more like an unhappy robot than a demon. Are we victims, slaves, and
prisoners of our subconscious, or can we be creators and masters? Override and
rewrite your programming. Choose again and again and again and again. "I
am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to (be and) become". Carl Jung.
The heart is the home of unconditional love.
This allows us to
trust our world, bodies, thoughts, feelings, and choices. Deep understanding
and empathy are essential. This can create a foundation of trust, freedom, and
creativity in which to be fully functional and thrive. Those
raised in an environment of conditional love only feel worthy if they match
conditions laid down for them by others. They are always on the defensive, deploy defense
mechanisms, and forgo their genuine, authentic lives to meet with the approval
of others, so they are not true to who they really are on the inside.
Rising
Sun: We can change our minds and hearts to
adjust our orientation, a fitting term as orient means looking east to a new
and brilliant rising sun with optimism and positivity as we put setting sun
mentality (negativity, dysfunction, selfishness, etc.) behind us. We are then
free to move forward in the light of a higher, greater, and true awareness. The
shadow is always there, but diminishes as we surround ourselves with goodness
and light. This orientation affects us in many ways physically and
psychologically (physiologically).
For
instance, beneficial bodily chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin
are called the "cuddle drugs" or "happy hormones" that
serve to increase bonding, generosity, and empathy. These also help relieve
depression, aid sleep, and create trust. Relaxation, mental stability, and
anxiety relief are also benefits. They regulate emotions, memory, learning,
thinking, reasoning, problem solving. Add to that decision making, attention
span, energy, appetite, cravings, sensitivity to pain, and sleep patterns and
their value is obvious. The impact on our beliefs, behaviors, and bodies is
also powerfully influenced chemically, especially when triggered negatively.
Setting
Sun: On the other side of the coin are
potentially problematic chemicals such as cortisol, adrenaline, and others that
work together to cause a burst of alertness, energy, and attention by cranking
out glucose and speeding up the heart to deal with threats real or imagined.
Frequent stress, depression, and anxiety sensitize us and conspire to hardwire
our brains towards these stressors, making it harder to recognize and reduce
the effects.
Over
time this causes restlessness, headaches, sleep deprivation, fatigue, obesity.
They can also cause depression, immune system weakness, and many types of
illness and disease. No surprise ancient eastern philosophy labels emotions
such as anger, hostility, hatred, blame, shame, negativity, aggression,
violence, anxiety, fear, and depression as poisons. The good news is they are
also known as the seeds of enlightenment, as they can teach us much about
ourselves and others.
Sitting
With It The next step may be to simply sit
with it all and let it be. To hold ourselves and our experience tenderly and
patiently like a tired, ill, frightened, or anxious child. Time is a healer, so
this is time well spent. As the mind cools and gets bored with our worries and
concerns, it moves on to show us things may not be so serious or bad as we
think. The key is to sit at our calm center, our heart, and let the mind
dissipate its energy and judgement naturally. This calm center is our True
Self, and sits in communion with the true center of all creation and life,
including what we might call God, “The Great Spirit”, so our most wonderful and
worthy place to dwell.
Basic
Goodness Another option for calming the storm
is to come into the present moment and be aware of the basic goodness of life
all around us. The blue sky, white, clouds, and green living earth are there to
comfort and calm us. Simple wonders like a spoon, cup, and chair surround us as
well. Our own bodies are a wonder as well, our heart beating 100,000 times a
day, our eyes can see up to ten million brilliant colors, our ears can hear a
symphony, a rainfall, and joyful laughter. The sun comes up each morning, the
rains fall each winter and spring, and life does it’s glorious dance across the
world and across time. So many blessings we could never count them all.
Go
For It Start today, start now, and keep
going, practicing, until this calm center, your True Self, your divine Higher
Power, and the miracle and magic of creation, life, and humanity becomes your
lived reality, and shines brightly in your own life, out to all others, and for
the rest of your days