This is where each of our stories
start and play out over a lifetime. Relationships are our connections to
everyone and everything, however functional or dysfunctional. I dare to say it
is relationships, our connection to others and things that give our life
purpose and meaning. I first realized the profound value of relationships when
I read Love and Survival
by Dr. Dean Ornish. In it he shows how relationships to our community make a
huge difference in our health and welfare.
Even people who engage in unhealthy
behaviors like drinking, smoking, poor diet, and lack of exercise can live long
and healthy lives, apparently due to the support of their intimates and
community. Amazing! On the other hand, those who have little support encounter
a host of health and life difficulties and live shorter lives. In one study
orphan babies who were denied human touch due to a epidemic scare all
died Are we, and more importantly, do we feel, part of, or apart from
our Higher Power, ourselves, others, and all life and creation?
One of my favorite models of how we
develop for better or worse is Erik Erikson's eight stages. From this we can see how we may gain basic trust,
autonomy, initiative, identity, intimacy, generativity and integrity, and
conversely, mistrust, shame, doubt, guilt, inferiority, role confusion,
isolation, stagnation, and despair. My guess is most everyone has some of each
to some extent, small or large. Personally, I recall my formative years as
isolated and confusing, and so have struggled with intimacy and self esteem
issues most of my life.
I consider myself fortunate at that
as many of my friends were actively abused either verbally, emotionally,
physically, sexually, or spiritually, some receiving many, perhaps all of
these. Even those from highly functional homes have suffered and carry wounds.
In twelve step programs we acknowledge this entity as our wounded inner child. The
difficulties we faced often were so common in our daily lives we came to see
them as normal and internalized them deep within.
These forces often found a voice in
our heads as a critical inner parent, a malevolent energy telling us how bad
and worthless we are. To me, the saddest news is that without enlightenment of
these dark forces, we are doomed to create and live through a false
self and try to recreate and correct the
problems of our youth with the people, places, and things least likely to
achieve it. All is not lost however, for if we can find the strength to remove
the years of bandages and armor we have built up to protect these wounds and
endure the pain and suffering of cleaning and dressing them, we can heal. I am
living proof. Only then can we find the voice of our own loving inner parent to
rediscover, experience and enjoy our inner wonder child and live from our true
self.
One of the best descriptions of Co-dependency
is others first, ourselves second and Higher Power last. What really works best
is H.P. first, ourselves second, then others. Why? Because Higher Power always
knows best. A healthy Higher Power
is infinite power, presence, our true parent, source and supply after
all. All too often we forget and listen to the louder and more insistent
voice of ego, ours or others. Do others really have our best interests at
heart? Perhaps not, and even if they do, they could be wrong. This is also why Jung
said that most of our problems are of a spiritual nature.
We have become cut off from our true
source so have spent our lives lost and wandering for our real home. Another
reason Higher Power comes first is because it is our connection to life, love,
and all creation. Buddhism calls this Indras
net, an infinite web with dew drops on
every intersection reflecting every other forever. John Muir
said "When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe" Also, "There is not a fragment in
all of nature, for every relative fragment of one thing is a full harmonious
unit in itself."
Thich Nhat Hanh calls this "Interbeing" and tells how a piece of paper contains the sunshine,
rain, earth, and logger in its essence. In Star Wars Yoda says "My ally is
the Force. And a powerful ally it is. It is what gives a Jedi his power. It is
the energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us.
It binds the universe together."
Even the American government gives
in to Higher Power and prints on every bill "IN GOD WE TRUST."
Next we trust ourselves and our own experience. Buddha said " Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who said it unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense." Emerson said "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself" as the summation of his excellent essay; Self Reliance. Einstein that "Never do anything against conscience, even if the state demands it," and "Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."
When we come to others, we again
connect to the whole through a higher law, a higher calling to selfless
service, through communing with others in community. Yet we must avoid over
dependence on others; co-dependency. Twelve steppers
say "My Higher Power doesn't have two legs" because we have learned
how others have gained power over us and we are working to be free. Before
recovery we let others dictate what clothes we wore, foods we ate, friends and
hobbies we had, on and on.
The classic example is when a
codependent dies, someone else's life passes before them! This is a connection
gone bad, one we learn to overcome and take responsibility and control of our
own lives, of our own wants and needs. For a commentary of ego versus true self
see my workshop "Happiness."
Also if you would like to see what it might be like to recapture your wonder
child (children actually), see my story "Homecoming."
In conclusion, I must say again, the
quality of our relationships all come down to our feeling, our experience. Do
we really feel and experience ourselves as part of, or apart from our Higher
Power, ourselves, others, and all life and creation? It is so very important as
this is what most often determines if we find happiness, purpose, and meaning
in our lives.
Copyrights 11/17