Kubler-Ross and other internet notes from a grief workshop by Brother Lars
“We think our job is to make grief smaller, but our job is to grow around it”. When we don’t talk about it, we internalize it and think we did something wrong”. Kessler
Originally the stages were developed to describe the process
patients with terminal illness go through as they come to terms with their own
deaths; it was later applied to grieving and expanded to include any form of personal loss, such as the
death of a loved one, the loss of a job or income, major rejection, the end of
a relationship or marriage, drug addiction, incarceration, the onset of a
disease, and even minor losses, such as a loss of insurance coverage.
Take covid: There's denial, which we saw a lot
of early on: This virus won't affect us. There's anger: You're
making me stay home and taking away my activities! There's
bargaining: Okay, if I mask and social distance everything will be okay,
right? There's sadness: I don't know when this will end. And
finally there's acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how
to cope. Acceptance, as you might imagine, is where the power lies. We
find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe
distance. I can learn how to work virtually.
1.
Denial – (distraction, avoidance, confusion, shock,
crisis, rejection, resistance, refusal, overwhelmed, helpless, frozen feelings,
pessimism, disbelief) Facing losses, people often become fearful, so in
order to protect themselves, they deny reality and cling to a false, preferable
reality. Some isolate and avoid others. They doubt themselves, life, others,
and Higher Power.
2.
Anger – (rage,
protest, resentment, irritation, sabotage, hostility, harm) When the
individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially
at nearby individuals. The storyline just won’t stop. Responses could be:
"Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?";
"Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?". Some lash out
at loved ones, family, and others. We do our best to feel our feelings and try
not to take the losses personally.
3.
Bargaining – This state
involves hope that we can avoid or escape grief. Usually, a negotiation is made
in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Bargaining can be realistic if there are
changes we need to make, magical if not reality based. It may be guilt driven
if we believe we are somehow to blame, a common malady for those shamed and
blamed as children. We search and yearn for answers.
4.
Depression – (lethargy,
mourning, lost, empty, worried, aimlessness, resignation, meaningless, numb,
loss of appetite, struggle, brain fog) "I'm so sad, why bother?";
"What's the point?"; "I miss my… how can I go on?" Here the
individual despairs at the recognition of their vulnerability and may become
silent, refuse others help, spending much time mournful and sullen.
5.
Acceptance – "I can't
fight it; I may as well prepare for it." "It's going to be
okay.". In this last stage,
individuals embrace their humanity and inevitable future, or that of a loved
one, or other tragic event. This typically comes with a calm, retrospective
view, and a stable condition of emotions. Here we begin to reach out to others
to tell our story, surrender to the situation, and move on.
6.
Meaning – The fog lifts as we regain our faith,
center, and stability. Things get better and we find healing, wisdom, and growth,
as well as new friends, opportunities, and plans despite our pain.
Grief can
manifest as tears, insomnia, headaches, and many illnesses and disease,
particularly if repressed. These states are a natural and temporary defense, particularly
if we get enough time to process our feelings and move on. These six stages let
us slow down and work through our painful and difficult feelings and beliefs. These
are survival traits or tools, and can be friends that help us cope and get
through tough times, just don’t give them the power to ruin your day, week,
month, year, or life.
Grief affects us physically,
mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. It is fluid, dynamic, and as
unique as you are. We don’t seek to be cured, but to cope. Too often we try to
go it alone, afraid to show our weakness and vulnerability; so counseling,
support, bereavement, and of course Twelve Step groups are particularly helpful.
Sometimes medication is needed to help us through severe stress, anxiety, and
depression.
How long does it
take? As long as it takes. We might move through all of the states in an hour,
or take years. We work to transform grief, so we don’t transfer it. We must
address our grief clearly and directly, and in no uncertain terms. Clarity is
key. These are descriptive, not prescriptive stages, and we don’t have to go
through them all, or in any particular order or depth. The process will be up
to you. As I like to say and do, let it evolve organically.