On Life
and Living
In 1969 Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
published a book that has been very helpful for many people in understanding the common stages we may pass through when
faced with losses, and in particular our imminent death or the death of a loved
one. They are in short: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
These have been validated and
expanded somewhat over the years, but criticism has also been raised that these
stages are not linier, not everyone experiences them all, those with good
support systems may experience them minimally or not at all, and people in
grief should not be pushed towards acceptance. Kubler-Ross later acknowledged
and validated these concerns herself.
Yet the stages continue to
resonate with many people decades later, so can prove a very useful tool in handling
not just death but any loss or difficulty. We may even feel some of these
ourselves in sympathy with loved ones going through loss and grief. The greater
the loss and weaker the support, the greater the difficulty we may experience.
The first stage she delineated
was shock and denial as we react with confusion, numbness, and disbelief. We may
think to ourselves: "Oh my God no! This is a mistake, it cannot be
happening!" This can provide emotional protection from being overwhelmed
by the disorienting intensity and reality of losses. We might experience outbursts
of emotion, crying, loss of sleep and appetite, and in extreme cases nausea,
difficulty breathing, swallowing, and vomiting.
Another stage is anger as the
shock wears off and we realize the denial can't continue and enter the protest
phase. Irritability, frustration, and pain often lead to criticisms, blame, and
rage. We may focus our anger on God, others, or ourselves. Lashing out can
cause irreparable damage to relationships so we are wise to avoid extreme
reactions. Like a trapped or cornered animal we want to fight our way out of
fear and pain back to safety and normalcy. Our thought here may be "This is so unfair, who is to blame, and
why is this happening to me?!"
In the bargaining phase we often
try to negotiate for an extended life or return of past relationships,
situations, and things in an attempt to avoid the loss and grief through a compromise
or lifestyle change. Here we may dwell on what might have been done to prevent
the loss or avoid it and think "I will do anything to fix this!" Realizing
there may be no way to restore what was lost can lead to the next stage of depression
and despair.
In the depression stage sadness
can feel exhausting, disorienting, and overwhelming as we come to see the full
magnitude of the loss. We may experience apathy, nostalgia, and guilt, as well
as withdrawal, restlessness, loneliness, and lastly hopelessness, emptiness,
and despair. Here we may think " Why go on, is life still worth
living?" The list of possible difficult feelings and experiences here is
lengthy and may be extremely challenging to navigate, yet we must feel it to
heal it. This is considered the disorganization phase.
Reaching acceptance we learn to face,
accept, and deal with the reality of our situation and begin to gain emotional
stability. We come to see the inevitability of our situation and mortality. The
losses or tragic events are re-imagined in the context of the bigger picture
and we begin to move on to problem solving, reattachments and hope. We now
create more realistic expectations and make informed choices. We are able to
integrate our emotions and at last let healing take place. We find meaning even
in death and loss. This is the reorganization phase.
Kubler-Ross ended here but others
consider another stage of reconstruction and proactive functioning. Life takes
on new meaning as we once again find our passion and purpose in the light of
growth through these challenges. We are once again able to move forward despite
the lingering pain and suffering. The area of life affected may never be same,
never as quite as carefree and happy, but we find room to feel joy and freedom.
We make plans for a brighter future and anticipate good things coming our way.
Our functioning comes back as we
find realistic solutions to problems of the past, present, and future.
Depression lifts and anger and frustration fade as we adjust to life on new
terms despite our losses. Faith,
serenity, and happiness follow as emotions calm and we are better able to share
with others and find connection. We
become empowered again as our self esteem returns and becomes stronger and more
resilient to life's travails.
Many years on we now understand
each of us experiences these stages differently. Some experience them in a
different order, others flash back and forth between them feeling some deeply
and others minimally if at all. The fact that some people have little, if any
grief and its manifestations due to losses because of good support informs us
how important it is to find wise, caring, and engaged communities.
The concern of having to work
through all of our issues before we find peace dissolves in the realization
that we may find acceptance in each and every stage when we surrender to it and
let it work its magic and miracle. Where we are is where we need to be as the
perfect path is right before us. Just as a ship may be tossed upon the waves or
a great tree by the wind in storms, the ships anchor and the trees roots hold
fast.
We take care not to become mired
in a bad place or try to rush off to a happy place. Instead we keep an eye on
the big picture and take solace in the fact that we can be active on multiple
levels at one time and none of them are personal, pervasive (our whole life),
or permanent. The clouds of depression and denial will come and go, the storms of anger and
frustration as well. The light and life of new days and new ways of living will
also shine and fade just as day follows night, and night follows day.
If we insist on ignoring our
difficulties we are doomed to repeat them. Yet if we can muster the resolve to
focus and concentrate on our losses, pain, and suffering, we will find insight,
understanding, and wisdom enough to loosen their grip on us and find peace,
freedom, and happiness. In our culture of denial, comfort seeking, and quick
fixes this is revolutionary, so often very hard to do. But you are worth, more
than worth it. Your family and friends, just as they are, are more than worth
it.
Considering the dire challenges
confronting humanity and our world, we may well be doomed until and unless we
have a climate change, the climate of fear and denial that threatens us all.
This is our internal climate, and so a choice each one of us must make. To save
the world we may need to change everything, and to change everything takes
everyone. We have got to come together to recognize our losses, grieve them
fully and effectively and move on to a new life and new day. Despite our losses
and our grief, there is hope, help, healing and happiness.
P.S. The stages of death and dying are present in everything we
say and do that involves loss or difficulties so we need to learn to deal with
them. For example; denial is the glue that holds dysfunction together, so we
must admit "it happened to me". Bargaining becomes the co-dependent
response; if I do what you want you will love me". Anger also must be
expressed and exhausted before we can move on and heal. Depression would have
us stuff our anger and frustration and turn it on ourselves - screw that!
Acceptance is the only ultimate release and resolution, one we must recognize
and renew on a daily basis.
To prevent, escape, or ameliorate
painful and traumatic loss, abuse, and neglect we have coping mechanisms often
called the four F's; fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The fight reaction is of a
narcissistic nature, an inflated sense of self-importance, but perhaps
necessary to defend our own self and identity rather than be forced into
submission to others. The flight mode is considered an obsessive compulsive
disorder that leads to repetitive thoughts and behaviors that interfere with
daily life. We seek control in an out of control world.
When we freeze it is a dissociative
disorder as our personality splits off and we go to other places in our minds to
escape the difficult people and situations. Fawning is considered a
co-dependent disorder. This is sometimes called a relationship addiction as we
form and maintain emotionally destructive, one-sided, or abusive relationships.
All four of these can be helped through treatment but none are considered completely
curable.