A friend described how growing up
in his family, culture, and situation left him feeling alone and without a deep
feeling of being cherished. This was most clear when he played with his dog. When
they play tug and catch with his dog is so engaged, funny, and kind that he has
to stop to kiss and hug the dog and tell him how much he loves him through-out
the play.
The reasons he ended up feeling
alone and not cherished are complicated and much more than we could detail
here. It seems he was neglected, and so deprived of the attention, affection,
appreciation, and affirmation children need to really thrive and prosper in so
many ways. He explains it as a dark cloud that hung over his family as he grew
up. This cloud was over his mother and father and their families growing up
too, and he carried it on to his wife, children, and others.
Another friend was actively
abused by being berated, slapped around, and called ugly names. many others had
it much worse suffering serious injuries through physical, mental, sexual, and
other abuses. Yet this his abuse was enough to have him pursue a degree in
psychology to try and understand and heal his dysfunction. Unfortunately
working his way through collage became overwhelming and he had a nervous breakdown
and had to move back in with his abusive parents. He now barely gets by in many
ways, and is often lost in depression for days at a time.
There are countless ways that
neglect and abuse are played out. The important question here is, was there
neglect or abuse in your upbringing that left you feeling unloved or alone?
Also you may be suffering and not even be aware it, as although it may have
been horrific, it may have been so commonplace that you came to believe it was
normal. If you grew up in a war zone or emotional desert you may think everyone
does, so why even complain or try to make changes?
The rules of don't talk, trust,
or feel, and don't look at, listen to, or heal dysfunction somehow infect
dysfunctional families, cultures, and societies, so that denial holds it all
together in a system that does actually function, but in sick and twisted ways.
Unconsciously we want to go back and fix the problems, but are doomed to pick
the people and situations least likely to achieve our unconscious desires,
unless we break those rules to find safe and sane people to help us work
through the issues to effect real changes and healing.
A friend who was witness to and
the subject of anger, fighting, and negativity in her family said that no one
in the family could talk about what was going on, so the truth of her heart and
gut was lost. It was as if there were hands around her throat choking her off
to her truth. It is a clear image of an even bigger problem often expressed of
pain and suffering causing us to lose touch with our bodies, and instead moving
it into a place in the back of our minds where we can avoid it.
The problem is we don't feel much
anymore. Our bodies, feelings, emotions, and truth become more of an idea than
an experience. People often share that they haven't cried for years, perhaps
decades. As if that wasn't bad enough, we also lose connection with our inner
child, which you could say is our heart, and all the youthful excitement, joy,
and love children so easily express. Take a moment now to realize how free most
children are to feel, and express those feelings.
Think of a playground or
children's party and you may imagine them squealing with delight, laughing, and
running around like crazy. If someone gets hurt they are crying or sobbing
until they get a band aid and a kiss, and they are off again into the
pandemonium. Children are very much in the moment and exhibit an exuberance and
energy few carry into adulthood, yet may be accessed if we can find the
doorway.
Finding that doorway, and the
keys to unlocking it is a personal effort. It starts with thinking of what our
inner child enjoys. We then begin to look for those things, whether they are
objects or experiences. For many toys
and games help bring back the fun and play of good times as youngsters. Many
grown-ups collect the ones that they enjoyed as kids. Most drug and department
stores have a section for games and toys, and visits to toy stores often end
with many treasures found.
The opportunities to play with
these treasures may not present itself often, but just knowing they are on a
shelf is comforting. Some folks are bold enough to leave them out where they
can be seen often, or take them out on occasions where other kids or grown up
kids can play with them. Often the most prized possessions stay home or are
somewhat guarded so they don't get lost or broken. The possibilities are
endless, but a look at some friend's
shelves, closets, garages, cars, and boxes found the following items you may
find inspiring.
Dolls, playing cards, stuffed
animals and others, silly string, toy cars, trucks, boats, airplanes, and
trains, balloons, necklaces, beads, pinwheels, jump ropes, kazoos, yo-yos,
kaleidoscopes, paddle balls, puzzle, sticker, comic, and coloring books,
crayons, markers, paints, playdough, bubble wands, sidewalk chalk, kites,
bicycles, frisbees, musical instruments, baseball mitts, funny glasses, and all
kinds of balls, capes, tiaras, crowns, swords, and costumes. And for the older "kids";
Barbies, army men, tops, Lego, Lincoln Log, and Erector sets, slinkys, and
ectha sketches.
Most of this list was compiled
from one persons collection. He started with model cars and thanks to a twice a
year retreat that on family dynamics and inner child was able to expand and
share his youthful joy. He brings most of his playthings and leaves them out on
the patio for all to enjoy through-out the weekend. On Saturday night there is
usually a wonderful and wild inner child experience and sharing meeting with
many boxes of stuffed animals, toys, games, and goodies poured out on the floor
for all the adult children to play with.
Why is this so important, and so
fulfilling and healing for many people? Erik Erikson's stages of development
tells us that a healthy child learns trust, autonomy, initiative, competence,
identity, and later love, concern for others, and wisdom. The flip side is mistrust,
shame and doubt, guilt, inferiority, role confusion, and later isolation,
stagnation, and despair. We may miss out on certain stages, or have the whole
process arrested if the loss is too great.
The downside is obviously not a
place we would want to go, but should we fail to resolve any stage we may suffer
the consequences the rest of our lives. The saying "It's never too late to
have a happy childhood" gives us great hope and comfort as we find it is
possible to see where we got stuck and work to find help, healing, and resolution
later in life. This has been our experience and what we hope to convey here for
anyone feeling lost and alone in their journey.
This arrested development and the
search for resolution led the "Adult Children of Alcoholics and
Dysfunctional Families" to branch off from the successful twelve step
alcoholics anonymous program and start their own. This program delves deeply
into the family dynamics of inner child, parent, and Higher Power that we find
so enlightening and healing.
Meetings, step studies, retreats, as well as
excellent books, sponsorship, and fellowship help these "adult
children" work through issues to at last find wholeness and happiness. We
certainly don't insist this is the only workable path, as we recommend good
counseling and support outside of the program, but for us, it has been a
powerful and essential part of our lives.
We find access to inner child is
access to not only our feeling and emotional side as well as all the joy,
excitement, and sorrow that entails (more about sorrow further on), but access
to another crucial aspect of a full and complete life that is a Higher Power.
We often use the term Higher Power, as it carries less baggage as the more
religious word God. Whether you prefer Great Spirit, Eternal One, God, or
simply, The Force the result is the same, and that is access to all the power,
presence, and wisdom of creation.
Why is inner child the door to
Higher Power? Because many of us believe this energy emanates from our center
and source, from a feeling and gut level that is preverbal and primordial from
long before humans and cognition. We can think about this power and presence
endlessly and not have a real experience of it until we let go of thinking and
feel it deeply from our heart and gut. Many of us feel our inner child is our
heart, but it is kind of funny when we realize this child started at a gut
level as well in the womb.
How can we express the nature of
the infinite to you, and in particular those who have a negative view of a
Higher Power due to parental and other extreme neglect, abuses, and injustices?
It's not easy. It can take a long time and a lot of hard work to turn it around,
but it is time and energy well spent. We mention parental and other influences growing
because these become our view of the world and Higher Power, for better or
worse. Is it a safe and benevolent world, or a dark and frightening place of
great dangers? This view is also often deeply ingrained within us.
Perhaps the best place to begin
this journey is with nature. When we look to nature we see it is infinite as
well. First there are all the stars, planets, and other "heavenly
bodies" engaged in an intricate seemingly infinite dance across the
universe in perfect mechanical order
like a gigantic Swiss watch. Life is similarly infinitely tenacious, abundant,
diverse, and beautiful as it clings to every possible crack and crevice across
the earth, oceans, and skies. Life can easily be considered a noun and a verb (a
thing and an action) as it is evident and active across the world and almost
certainly across the cosmos.
Yet how do we create and maintain
an intimate loving relationship with our Higher Power, particularly if the
relationship has been troubled? Going to nature and spending quiet time in
prayer and meditation may find what many wise persons have found: Frank Lloyd
Wright said; "Nature is my manifestation of God. I go to nature everyday
for inspiration." Also; "I believe in God, only I spell it
nature." Albert Einstein said; "Look deep into nature, and you will
understand everything better."
Martin Luther said; "God writes the
gospel... on trees and flowers and clouds and stars." Ralph Waldo Emerson
said; "The happiest man is he who learns from nature the lesson of
worship." Brigham Young said; "Nature is the glass reflecting God, as
the sun is reflected by the sea." Thomas Browne said; "Nature is the
art of God."
For those who have an adverse attitude
towards the great outdoors or a fear of wild places perhaps journaling may be
helpful. Here you may speak as if with your very best lifelong friend, for who
would know us better than the one who knows everything we ever did as well as
our every thought, idea, opinion, and belief however divine or evil, yet loves
us enough to keep the sun shining, rain falling, and seasons changing as if for
our own personal benefit. Add to this keeping our bodies working to balance,
digest food, pass waste, and hundreds of other functions non-stop for a
lifetime. Then if we consider all the great music, movies, meals, holidays,
parties, events, and so on we have been privileged to experienced and the
blessings become obvious.
Compassion is also a
breakthrough, a breakthrough to love. This is compassion for ourselves and
others to really feel the pain and suffering, grieve the losses, comfort those
sick and wounded physically, spiritually, mentally, economically,
environmentally, and other ways from wars, famines, disasters, diseases,
oppression, exploitation, illness, old age, and other maladies.
It's often easy to laugh
together. Harder to play together, and harder still to work together on
difficult issues. But to cry together and for each other takes real compassion. It is a breakthrough. Through the
walls we built to protect ourselves. Through the distances we put between us to
protect ourselves. Through the biases and prejudices we've come to believe in
to protect ourselves.
Why? It is the hero's journey back to responsibility, community,
source and center, inner child, and our essential, true self. We must also understand and
accept all our "persons" of our personality good and bad to become
our best selves. We get in touch with our inner magician, artist, warrior, hero,
king or queen, and so on. On the flip side our witch or warlock, spoiler,
mercenary, and super villain. Also our inner mother or father, brother or
sister, aunt or uncle, and grandparent?
Is it a hard life with much
disease, dysfunction, and insanity? Growing up did we come to believe in the
spoken or unspoken rules of don't talk, trust, and feel, don't look, listen, or
heal? Prince, Michael Jackson, Robin Williams, and Whitney Houston probably would
say yes if they were here to share their pain with us.
Life is sunshine and roses but
also darkness, storms, and thorns. A full life embraces it all. It is very easy
to get scared, frustrated, angry, and depressed. But love goes further. We must
accept what is. Face the situations with complete focus and clarity to
understand, forgive, and find wisdom and transformation. A spiritual
perspective and understanding is also necessary to find wisdom and transformation
and effect real and lasting changes.
Unfortunately the "bomb"
has already gone off in many places around the world, and many worst-case
scenarios are already happening. Yet there is hope, healing, and happiness if
we seek out truly helpful people and situations to guide and support us. We may
also follow a spiritual path back to our center and source, maker and master.
PS: Sympathy is feelings of
sorrow, caring, or pity for anothers troubles, grief, and misfortune. Compassion
is very similar as we have sensitivity and understanding of others plight, but
along with a strong desire to alleviate their suffering. Empathy takes it to
the next level where we actually feel the pain that others feel. This ability
can add energy to our efforts but if their suffering is great we can become
overwhelmed, burn out, and withdraw.
Copyrights 11/17